The Therapy Blues

Some therapy days, days which I have a therapy appointment, I just have to wonder why. Why do I pay $30.00 a pop , why do I show up, why do I schedule things around these appointments and drive out so far? After all I have a lot of other shit to do and other uses for $30.00 american of my hard earned money.
But I do show up. I pay $30.00 a pop. I drive out across to the other county. I even take my daughters, they're in therapy too. We're all in therapy. It all started with my youngest daughter and her treatment for her ADHD in 2008. By the end of that year, my marriage was shit, I had left my wife of 17 years, and I was getting divorced. By early 2009, I was a client.
I was trying to unfuck my life. When I really fuck up, when I really need help. I go to a catholic priest. Preferably Fr. Frank, but he's in another parish and it's hell to try to get time with him. So I settle for my parish priest and that's a so so relationship for more so so results. After all, one is talking to a Roman Catholic priest.
A priest is far better a therapist, no matter how bad I fuck up, than any professionally trained, experienced, disciplined, therapuetic therapist. That still didn't save my marriage. So now I see my daughter's therapist. With her, some visits are better than others.
This therapist is a social worker by training, she's married with teenage children of her own. She's Roman Catholic. We were initially refered to her by our daughter's child psychiatrist, the one who prescribed and manages my girl with the strattera. I thought she could help. She did, my daughter anyway. She couldn't do shit for my then wife and myself.
No, that kind of help has to come from within. One has to want help. On has to help ones self. My then wife didn't want that help. She never did, not in the entire 17 years we were married. Neither did I for that matter.
I'm not perfect. I have my issues. We had our issues. I can be difficult to live with and difficult to love. Had I known then what I know now - I would have not married her in the first place. Of course, with marriage, no one really knows then. One just does it. We did.
The only good to come out of that marriage are our daughters. The rest of it, the way we treated ourselves as a husband and wife was all shit. The sex was good, great sometimes. But one shouldn't base their marriage on sex alone. Not good, I should know because I tried.
On the flip side of that coin, one should go into a marriage with a littler more better preparation than just knowing each other for barely 3 months before standing in front of a JP saying "I do".
Don't ask me, I don't know. I do know that I do love my children. I even love my ex-wife still in a sort of weird way. I must, I still put up with her shit to the tune of $557.00 every other friday. Or is that just my love affair with my personal freedoms and not wanting to go jail for not paying court ordered child support?
I don't know. I don't know shit. Now if I could just quit smoking.