Looking Forward To 2011

Come on 2011! Let's get this year over with. 2010 was OK, nothing to really get excited about. Am eagerly awaiting for the new year and hoping. Always hoping. If it weren't for hope I wouldn't have anything. I havn't closed the doors entirely. but I am looking for new ones to open. Slowly I'm getting myself out of my rut. Some days are better than others. Am perpetually searching for that ultimate balance with everything - liffe, love, God, the world, my self, my children, family, friends, Amy, the list goes on. I look forward to the future with a postive attitude and maybe I learned something from my past. I don't know. Just trying to be here now and look forward and hope.

Oh well!

Here it is near the end of november and about to become december. 2010 was supposed to be the year I get my shit together. It was better after tthe housemates moved out and I thought it was going to be better after the ACTS retreat I participated in last month. Was not to be.
2010 has been the year I did catch up on bills and started to work some overtime and am almost "over" my first marriage. Although I am healthy, thanks to God, I do not always feel such. I am contending with my weight, 240lbs as of this morning. My laziness. I hope and pray I'm not getting depressed.
Now I can talk about problems with Amy, I think. I don't know. When it comes to Amy I don't know how much is menopause, how much is stress, how much could be depression, and how mush is simply me. Living with me and loving me isn't easy.
I have my personal issues. I am a divorced father of three daughters, two of them teens and one about to become 11 february next. I feel alone as if I have noone to talk to or maybe it's the responses of the people I do speak with. I feel like I have to get out more, meet new people.
Am coming to see a lot of similarities between Amy and Dana. Both will rot in front of the tv. Both can get lazy. Both have childhood abuse issues. At least Amy works and lives clean. Both can act out like immature little girls and pout and throw fits like a child. I think both are a little crazy, maybe manic depressive. Just hope and pray I'm not.
This has been a bad weekend. Had Stephanie over and Amy was a perfect horse's ass. Stephanie and I ran errands yesterday, mostly we watched dvd's, framed some posters I've had in storage for awhile. Bottom line, Amy and I not seeing eye to eye on my children. I wonder how my grandfather did it? How did those guys manage?
When I get into the shit, I think about my grandfathers. They were the real father figures in my life. More to follow later, december is just around the corner.

Hottub Anniversary, Religious Retreat, etc. etc.

Have been keeping this monthly blog now for almost 5 years, since august 2005. Sometimes I have trouble with coming up with something to write about and I'll a miss a month. Then I just have to take a look around me and mine and SOMETHING will come up. Sometimes it's a quick look at my appointment calender and something will pop up.
I keep a journal, a handwritten bound volume, for more than 20 years now and a pocket memo book I jot ideas down into. I save all these, calenders, journals, memo books, and sometimes go back over them. Usually i'm looking for something specific like when I changed the oil in the car last or such. Mostly it's the pack rat in me which keeps these things organized and locked away. Noone else may read them, ever. Maybe, after I'm dead and gone, someone will. They just might chunk them out as junk or read every word and figure out what was in my heart, mind, and soul. I seriously doubt if anyone reads this blog. Noone leaves any comments of importance.
Today, tonight, is the 21st of october. This was the night I came over to Amy, my girlfriend/fiancee/common law wife/ spouse/ live in lover/ however we're identifying ourselves this week, Amy's house and jumped into the hottub with her and the night we first made love or had sex or however you want to look at it. She has totally forgotten about the significance of this date, of course. Amy doesn't keep track of stuff like that. When she was married, I'll bet she forgot her own wedding anniversary. Anyway, tonight was the night and I wanted it to be special, of course it isn't.
We've been fighting for about a week. It all started when I took part in a church retreat, the A.C.T.S. retreat over this weekend past.
Now for the record, I've been wanting to do this retreat for some years, since I was still married and at Our Lady of Lourdes church in Hitchcock. I just made all sorts of excuses, too busy, no time, no money. Well, the no money was actually true. All the guys I spoke with who had been on the retreat said it was a lifechanging event for them. Since my divorce, I've been going back to church regularly and one sunday at mass I was up in the balcony looking down at these guys who were coming off retreat and one of them was so moved and emotional as to be sobbing during the service. The other retreatants just gathered around him and supported him, hugging him like a brother does and let's him know it's all going to be alright, nothing but love and such. as I looked down upon this scene I knew then and there that that was the experience I wanted, needed in my life for me.
So I spoke to a couple of guys who had gone on one and they got me the application. The retreat wasn't for a few months off, plenty of time to get time off from work and money together. So for the record, no arm twisting or any bullshit like that for me I WANTED TO GO AND I DID. I don't give a damn what Amy says.
I won't go into the details about the retreat here and now because that would be way too much. I will write that it WAS lifechanging. I came out of this weekend past spiritually recharged and with new tools to build with and new weapons to fight with. I feel like a new man. Now I realize I am still the same son of a bitch who left that thursday evening, but I'm not. Things are the same, but different. I am the same but different. If such contradictory statements are or can be true. I am certain they are.
Now, I don't know what Amy thought or had in mind as far as my coming out of this. I am not the holy roller type, waving my hands to heaven. Sorry to disappoint her in that department. I am a changed man. For many years, I have been unable to listen to or enjoy contemporary christian music. Amy loves it, Dana, my ex loves it too. The reason I had been so turned off to it is because Dana would listen to that stuff the entire 17 years we were married and not live it. I will go so far as to say I abhored the stuff. Don't go preaching to me one thing and then not live it. Amy understands this and she's observed, over the two years since I've left Dana, that I am just now able to "get into" the contemporary music at mass. Kind of like an Iraqi POW who was subjected to the barney song as a form of psychological torture. Put that guy through therapy and he might be able to listen to the barney song and not freak out.
For the first time in my life, I can now appreciate contemporary christian music to a degree. I'm getting better. But that was just the tip of the iceberg, there's more, lot's more. Have made plans to go back to bible study, something I did partake in once when I was at Our Lady of Lourdes, and thoroughly enjoyed. Have also made an appointment with a deacon about getting my marriage annulment. I identify my self as a roman catholic, but I'm a divorced catholic. That's a major sin, a mortal one. I havn't received the sacraments in good standing in over two years. It's a sin to receive communion when divorced and living in sin with another.
But I digress, there were all sorts of us men there, some fathers with their sons and vice versa. For some men, this was their second, third, or MORE return trip. THAT'S incredible. I can see why now. I can't wait to go back. I should have done this years ago, not that it may or may not have saved my marriage. Just that for my spirit and self, it was the most moving, emotional, spiritually recharging, lifechanging event I have experienced in a long time or to date. Everyone should go at least once. I want Amy to go, my mother, my sister, my daughters, my father, my brother, I want EVERYONE to go and experience what I had. Now I sound like a new born again christian or like a new christian all together. A new convert. I certainly feel like such.
I've always had a relationship with God, everyone does. But sometimes, I separate myself from God and His love. Call it life, work, ourselves, living, whatever. Now I'm not labelling good or bad, it's not all so cut and dry, black and white. There is a huge gray area there. I do feel as a result of this retreat experience I am closer to God. Father Frank once told me that I am so busy looking for God in the roar of a burning bush that I have forgotten or was unable to listen for God in a whisper.
I've read some about the how's and why's of the Mass and prayer and I still pray the rosary daily. I've even read the Holy Bible from cover to cover once over a year and a reading plan. From this retreat, I have a new hunger for it all inside of me. Sometimes it's a roaring fire and sometimes it's a glowing ember. But you throw gasaline on a glowing ember and see what happens. That's how I feel inside. I've always had a good foundation, now I'm building on it. I also realize that I'll be building on it and tearing it down and starting all over again sometimes and at other times I'll just be adding on and remodeling. Spiritual life is very much like building a house. I thank God for my grandparents and my mother for my spiritual foundation. Now I'm building on it.
I'll get back to the hottub sex thing another day.

Victoria turns 18

Last sunday, 12sep10, was my daughter's 18th birthday. As any father would be, I am proud. As any parent of their child could be , when their child legally progresses from underage to adult; I am understandably concerned. If fatherhood has taught me anything at all, it's that our children grow at different rates. Victoria may have the body of a woman and the legal written documentation to prove her legal age, she still lacks a certain self discipline and maturity. I'm sure I was much the same way and caused my parents similair concern. I hope and pray for each of my daughters, daily, sometimes more than twice daily. I love Victoria but not neccessarily like how she is living. There is a time when fathers must step just a little bit back and let there daughters take their own lumps, within reason. I have taught, am teaching my daughters, and they'll have to fall flat on their faces for some lessons to sink in. They'll find out own day with their own children. Then, maybe, they'll understand.

Housemates Have Moved Out!!

The housemates have moved out!! Sorry it didn't work out. I wasn't the best of housemates and i certainly havn't been very supportive or caring or loving or whatever you want to call it. Now it's just Amy and myself in this big three bedroom, two bath, two large family rooms, with hottub in the backyard, privacy fence, and detatched garage.
What did I think I was getting myself into in the first place on that dark and snowy night in dec '08 anyway? I was fairly certain my marriage was in the shit. The rest of it I was just playing by ear. In hind sight, oh, that ever crystal clear, 20/20, undeniable hindsight - I should have listened to my sea-mom, Pam; and found a place of my own. The proverbial shoulda, coulda, wouldas. Maybe, maybe not, would have saved myself a lot of trouble and drama? Oh, if only I knew then what I know now!
Must not fall into the woulda, couldas, shouldas, or into any other sort of negative mindset. Must learn from it all, be better for the experience and move forward, ever forward. Where ever forward may be. Some days may be better than others with Amy and my children and today has been a not so good one.
Have spent the better part of the day cleaning up the other bedroom, bathroom, vacuming, listening to Amy rant and rave about my lack of poor fathering skills. I've nearly had my fill. Have not ever claimed to be the perfect father. So I take it day by day.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. If I have to, I'll suggest to Amy that I pay her half the mortgage and utilities for two bedrooms, one bathroom, kitchen, yard, and half a garage privilages. I'll still cut the grass and do as I am able to around this property. Truth is, I like it here. I like this house and I don't feel like moving again.
If I can salvage a relationship with Amy, that would be great. That has yet to be seen. I am unable to afford a comparable place out on my own. Still under the child and spousal support bullshit. If only Dana would move out and then I could put my own place back together and maybe move back in. I like it here and am comfortable here. More comfortable now that the housemates have moved into their own place.
I'm not easy to live with and probably more difficult to love. Pam said I should have spent time by myself after I left Dana. Maybe I should have listened to her, there are a lot of thos maybes in my life. I look forward to tomorrow, an ever hopeful and brighter tomorrow. It's up to me to make it happen. So here I sit typing, broke, but not broken. One day at a time, always praying the rosary, and hoping. More to follow later.

My Dietary Rules (yeah, right!)

Here are a few notes on dietary rules I SHOULD keep, but truthfully do not. If I could commit myself to keeping these rules, I'm certain to drop some pounds, live healthier, look better, and perhaps even live longer.
The first rule is commitment, commit oneself to good, positive, healthy diet habits. Commitment, REAL commitment is paramount to almost all endeavors in our lives.
The second rule is to not be so hard on oneself and to set realistic, short term goals. In my case, that means staying away from the scale on a daily basis and to "forgive" myself in a dietary way of speaking. The short term goals are easier to keep and pay off in spades later.
The third rule is to eat that first meal of ones day, breakfast, like a king. In other words, this should be my main meal of the day. My mid day meal should not be quite so large. My final end of my day meal should be small, perhaps half of the breakfast sized meal. All meals in my day should, with healthy snacks equal out to 5-6 small meals a day or this 3 meal with perhaps 1-2 healthy snacks in between meals. I'm still working on this rule. I work nights, so my sleep cycles flip flop. Some days I will sleep almost all the day away and my breakfast will be at 4pm, lunch at 1 am, and dinner at 5 or 6 am. Some days I'll actually stay up to get things done and actually be awake for almost 24 hours straight through.
The fourth rule is portion size. This means fist sized portions and no going back for seconds. An addendum to this rule is to load up a plate with only half of what one would normally load on ones plate. Am still working on this rule also.
The fifth rule is nothing in excess, this is clear and across the board. Moderation in everything.
The sixth rule is 2-3liters of water a day, everyday. No more than 4 cups of coffee and/or tea in a 24 hour period. No carbonated drinks, Juices in small amounts, still working on that amount part. Limited alcohol intake to an absolute minimum.
The seventh rule my "white rule" no or almost no "white" in my diet. This means salt, sugar, flour, bread, etc. I have not added salt to my food for many years now, I opt for herbs, spices, garlic powder and such. Should I use salt, it is coarse sea salt in a grinder, the same goes for my pepper. Brown rice instead of white rice if possible. wheat or whole grain bread instead of white bread.
The eighth rule is the "keep it fresh rule", this means little if any refined, processed, canned foods. Difficult to keep this rule but substitute frozen or fresh vegetables and fruits for the canned processed stuff. You will notice a significant improvement in the flavor of your food.
The ninth rule is stay away from salad dressings, mayo, yellow mustard, and such. Try to keep it to vinagaretes, olive oil with herbs, honey, dijoun mustard. Easy once you start, once again, the flavor of your foods will improve dramatically.
The tenth rule is balance, low amounts of fatty foods, more fruits and vegetables and grains, moderate protein and dairy intake, common sense stuff.
Apply these rule to anything that goes near your mouth and see what happens. I'm still a work in progress regarding these rules. One of these days I'll get my shit together.

Real Bad Case Of Writer's Block

Have been suffering from a real bad case of writer's block for some months now and am unable to shake it. Not motivated to write poetry or a journal entry or anything. I pack around these notes for poems in my pocket and they just sit there. Some poetry I've written had been packed around for months like this before they ever materialized. even some of my best ones. I whip them out, go over the tattered sheets of paper, fold them back up with disgust, and stuff them back into my pocket. Now how am I to make something of this? What am I to do?

Getting On With Life

Hoping and praying and getting off my ass, more easier said than done. Some days are easier than others. Trying not to sleep all day on my first day off. Working 12hr night shifts from 1800-0600 can be an ass kicker sometimes. Simply don't feel as energetic as I used too. Staying away from the tv is a major help, limiting computer work or internet time to 1hr or less also helps. Keeping a schedule does and does not always work, something always pops up or some other circumstance throws a monkey wrench into the best laid of plans. I call it the fuck up factor. Perhaps a visit from the fuck up fairy is more appropriate? The spontaneous just get up and do it moments seem the best. One night last week, unable to sleep, I hopped onto my bicycle, went down to the taekwondo school for an imprompto howdy, bought a six pack of beer, went star gazing out on the dike, and grabbed a burger on the way home in a mild state of damn good buzz. I did get some yard work done at my mothers house yesterday and I did go to mass this morning. Even managed to do some yard work around here this morning before it grew too hot outside. Must pace myself and not over do things. Tonight, after dropping off Amy at work and my daughter back with her mother, I'm picking up another six pack of cheap beer or wine, load my telescope up on my bike rack and head off to the dike again. This may be a summetime ritual with me, who knows? I do know I enjoy getting out of the house like this, get some exercise, a good buzz, and gaze at the stars with my 20 year old telescope.

Female Problems

In a world of shit with the most important females in my life. I just am unable to satisfy any woman in my life right now. My daughters, my girlfriend/fiancee/domestic partner, my sister, my mother, female co-workers; name any important woman in my life and she'll find some beef with me.
My two older daughters are teenagers, so that says a lot right there. They do not get along with Amy, my girlfriend/fiancee/domestic partner. amy does not get along with them. That's a big source of my grief there. I am unble to please any of them lately.
Amy is all aggrevated with me for any number of reasons, just pick something and it's my fault. Job, house, family, me, sex, handling bills, my old truck, watching a movie on TV/DVD, computer time spent,dealing with the housemates, anything. I don't know about that one. Complains about all sorts of stuff.
My sister is just now talking to me since my divorce. I call her, leave a message when I am unable to reach her. She rarely returns my calls or calls me at all. Havn't heard from my brother in law in months.
My mother still loves me, but even she stands back and lets me deal with my own bullshit. As a parent I can see her point there, am doing the same with my own daughters. Just hope they survive it and aren't scarred by it for life.
Have to get out of bed now and start moving around, get another cup of coffee, water the garden, weed the garden, etc, etc.

The Therapy Blues

Some therapy days, days which I have a therapy appointment, I just have to wonder why. Why do I pay $30.00 a pop , why do I show up, why do I schedule things around these appointments and drive out so far? After all I have a lot of other shit to do and other uses for $30.00 american of my hard earned money.
But I do show up. I pay $30.00 a pop. I drive out across to the other county. I even take my daughters, they're in therapy too. We're all in therapy. It all started with my youngest daughter and her treatment for her ADHD in 2008. By the end of that year, my marriage was shit, I had left my wife of 17 years, and I was getting divorced. By early 2009, I was a client.
I was trying to unfuck my life. When I really fuck up, when I really need help. I go to a catholic priest. Preferably Fr. Frank, but he's in another parish and it's hell to try to get time with him. So I settle for my parish priest and that's a so so relationship for more so so results. After all, one is talking to a Roman Catholic priest.
A priest is far better a therapist, no matter how bad I fuck up, than any professionally trained, experienced, disciplined, therapuetic therapist. That still didn't save my marriage. So now I see my daughter's therapist. With her, some visits are better than others.
This therapist is a social worker by training, she's married with teenage children of her own. She's Roman Catholic. We were initially refered to her by our daughter's child psychiatrist, the one who prescribed and manages my girl with the strattera. I thought she could help. She did, my daughter anyway. She couldn't do shit for my then wife and myself.
No, that kind of help has to come from within. One has to want help. On has to help ones self. My then wife didn't want that help. She never did, not in the entire 17 years we were married. Neither did I for that matter.
I'm not perfect. I have my issues. We had our issues. I can be difficult to live with and difficult to love. Had I known then what I know now - I would have not married her in the first place. Of course, with marriage, no one really knows then. One just does it. We did.
The only good to come out of that marriage are our daughters. The rest of it, the way we treated ourselves as a husband and wife was all shit. The sex was good, great sometimes. But one shouldn't base their marriage on sex alone. Not good, I should know because I tried.
On the flip side of that coin, one should go into a marriage with a littler more better preparation than just knowing each other for barely 3 months before standing in front of a JP saying "I do".
Don't ask me, I don't know. I do know that I do love my children. I even love my ex-wife still in a sort of weird way. I must, I still put up with her shit to the tune of $557.00 every other friday. Or is that just my love affair with my personal freedoms and not wanting to go jail for not paying court ordered child support?
I don't know. I don't know shit. Now if I could just quit smoking.

Pre-Meeting Troy Jitters

Have been with Amy for little over a year now and am to meet her brother in law, Troy, tomorrow. Am feeling just a bit jittery, like a teenager about to meet his girlfriend's family for the first time. Swept and mopped all the floors, foyer, kitchen, bathroom, shook out and/or washed out the carpets and such Even washed and dryed all the laundry and changed out the bed and bathroom linens. Want to make a good first time impression.
I shouldn't be jittery. Have met her sister, Denise, and nephew, Mickey, some months ago and they come and visit. Mickey even stayed for a month or so. Still I can not help but to be as jittery as a schoolboy!
Guess this relationship is getting serious, real serious. I love Amy and am committed to her. I'm not afraid of committment. I am afraid of marriage in any sense of the word. But it wouldn't be right to not marry her. That would be the good and right thing to do. I shouldn't be afraid of marriage, but after being married to dana for 17 years, I suppose I am a case of once botten, twice shy.
Domestic partner wouldn't be right for Amy, she's better than that. Way better. I'm still fucked in the head and traumatized from being married to Dana and dealing with my children. Don't want to just run off and get married but don't want to lose a good thing either.
Friend of mine emailed me about finding myself, another says I need alone time before I jump off into another relationship. That I should not have hooked up so quickly with Amy. That I need time to heal and all that. I don't know.
I don't know anything. Amy and my daughters do not get along. The housemate thing works and then doesn't work. Truth is I've never had it so good before, no matter the bullshit. Another truth is, it's not a destination but a journey. I am enjoying the journey more now with Amy. I do enjoy my alone time, even though I miss my children just as much. It's all about finding a balnce and letting go and love and all that.
Love is a many faceted word. I love my daughters, but they will have to make their choices and take their own lumps. They are my first priority, just how to make them aware of that as they continue to grow. I love Amy and want to live with her, but I'm not the easiest to love or live with, neither is she at times. I still love Dana, just refuse to live with her or share any thing else with her. I've already given her enough. Perhaps too much. The sex was good, I really do miss that. Sex with Amy is good also. Am unable to go around basing by relationships on sex alone though, that's not healthy.
The big question is, do I love myself?, Do I love me? How do I love me? That sounds like a poem in the works. Will have to write that down to work on it later, along with all the other projects I have on perpetual hold.
Am now off to polish off the bookshelves my grandfather made and to pick up around the house some more. Am supposed to meet Troy tomorrow at noon at the taqueria. At least I'm not drinking excessively.