Almost At An Agreement

Has been months since I've made any sort of an entry. The divorce drama goes on. I would not wish this experience upon anyone, not my worse enemy. This is by far the most painful and emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically draining experience I have ever gone through. It is a cruel exercise in endurance and character and whatever else makes one up. It tears ones life apart and upside down and inside out. It's a pure hell on earth and invades every fiber of ones being.
The attornies banter back and forth and don't move quick enough. It seems that this should be a cut and dry affair. I am not a financially wealthy man. I do not have great tracts of land or mansions or new vehicles or any such. I have a lot of bills, debt, my personal possessions, and the trauma of my 17 year marriage. I feel like an abused pet which has just been let in from the wet and cold.
For the first time in many years I am being treated well. Too bad I had to leave my home, tear apart my family, and break my heart and hers. Too bad, but one does have to go through the desert before reaching the promised land. I am sorry for staying married for so long. I am sorry for being the man who I was at times. I am no angel, I am not the best of men, I can be difficult to love and more difficult to live with.
I admit my shortcomings and accept them as mine and mine alone. But it's not all my fault. far from it. Marriage should be a partnership and the love and labors and wealth shared. I feel that, in my marriage, it was me who bore the brunt of the load. Sure she did the dishes and laundry and put up with my shit, but she rarely lifted a finger to help bring in the bacon. Sure she chauffered the girls around, but didn't support us as a family unit. No, I did that, I went the extra mile and then some.
I did the yard, took care of the house, the vehicles, paid the bills took the family on vacations, worked full time and sometimes two jobs, and was both mom and dad to our daughters. I was the one who made sure Victoria went to physical therapy and that Judith went to speech therapy. I was the one who made sure all three girls were registered in school and even had them in catholic school for a while. Try doing that on a single paycheck.
Sure I'm indebted and grateful to my parents and in-laws and grandparents, there's no way I would have done it on my own. Sure didn't get a lot of help from my then wife. It's almost as if I had four girls at home, three of them my own daughters.
I didn't ever press her to convert to catholicism. I would go to church at the United Methodist church for a while. Sometimes she would go to the Our Lady of Lourdes where we are registered as parishioners. I didn't press the religious issue too much, now I wish I had.
People change, we all do, we just didn't grow and change together. No we grew and we changed, but we grew and changed apart. Our children didn't remain little girls forever. Victoria nad Judith are teenagers and Judith has a part time job now. Stephanie is nine years old but she sure acts like her older sisters and thinks she's a teenager. She's only a nine year old, for now anyway.
I feel as if I'm offering her a sweet enough deal. She can live in the house rent free until the youngest one moves out or she remarries. Just so long as she pays her own bills and doesn't touch my retirement. I'll eat the taxes and insurance and upkeep and such. She's going to have get a job, a real one with benefits, full time hours, and grow up some. As it she's gettin $403.00 and $200.00 every payday in child and spousal support respectively. That's almost half my paycheck and doesn't leave me much to live on. I get all the bills too.
I do get some peace and quiet. I miss my daughters terribly so and the adjustment process hasn't always been easy. It will all be good on the end for each ofus. Just have to get through this and get the divorce finalized.