Going Through A lot Of Shit Right Now

Short and sweet, I'm in a world of shit, deep shit. My insides are tore up in a storm of emotions and passions. I'm sad, angry, upset, cheated, really down and that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. At least I'm not suicidal, homicidal, hating or have started drinking. Well the drinking may come later on. My marriage is a wreck. Has been for some time now, years. Every one knew it but me. No, I knew it, I was and am still in some sort of denial. Kubler-Ross said it best, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Well, I'm all fucked up inside and maybe finally being honest with myself for the first time in a lot of years.
Late last month at my daughters therapy appointment, I broke down and cried out for help. I openly asked the therapist if she did marriage counseling. The good therapist that she is, she did some immediate damage control and is now starting to see both Dana and myself individually. Stephanie, our 8 year old is doing well and she was her original patient. Way to go, baby, go to therapy for your ADHD, have your dad break down, cry for help, and cut you loose from therapy. You'll be fine, you're daddy's girl!
Dana has already started individual therapy, I start next week, she goes to a doctor about her issues she's just now addressing and I fear I'm heading for divorce court. You think I'm fucked up now, just wait a month and see how really fucked up I'm going to be in a month or two down the road.
Didn't want to start to therapy but I'm not about to ask Dana to go through with therapy and I not do it myself. As far as I'm concerned, what's good for the goose is good for the gander and I will not ask her to do anything I have not nor will do. The one who I wanted to start therapy, real therapy with is a priest, Fr. Frank, and I am unable to get a hold of him, or to get him to return my calls. Want a lifesaver, a real lifesaver? I know him, he's a fat italian priest in Houston on a harley and he is God's walking talking angel of mercy and a real life rescuer. I know, I'd have been dead years ago if not for him and his counsel. May just have to drive up there to the rectory. I know where he is.
Am unhappy, very unhappy with my marriage. She's not working out of the house, I'm working two jobs, and feel the entire load is on my shoulders alone. For many years have felt that the marriage has not been a true partnership, 50/50, 100%, or any other way you want to cut it. I'm a firm believer in till death do us part and for better or for worse, I really mean it, but I am unable to continue living with this woman.
I don't know what happened, I do know that for many years we have been like prisoners locked up, if we're not fucking, we're fighting; if we're not fighting, we're fucking. I know, I work in a prison. Anyway I am tired of fighting with her, I'm tired of arguing with her all the time, I'm tired of living two separate lives under one roof, of working all the time with no support, of living paycheck to paycheck, of not saving anything. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm ready to live what's left of my life for my children and for me one day. Will have to do something about my children. They're OK but it could be so much better. It's as if I have 4 children in my house. My three daughters and their mother! I'm not going to go there or anymore deep this entry, maybe next month.
Right now I have to unfuck myself and get my shit together. God help me because He's all I feel I really have right now. I am in world of shit. Feel Like I'm at the bottom of a well trying to claw up the sides but I keep sliding down deeper. What the fuck!

Am I Getting Lazy Or Just Older?

I don't know if I'm just down in the dumps, getting lazy, or just getting older. Hell, we're all getting older! Am trying to motivate myself to get up and get shit done but it's always that first step. Taking that first step to get off my ass and get moving. Yard has to get cut, car needs work, need to teach Stephanie to ride a bike, and that's on top of getting things which really have to get done, like working toward my RN, Stephanie's first communion, taekwondo, and such.
Once I do take that first step and get moving, I can move and move like a maniac. I can and have cycle to and from the dojhong, do taekwondo, cut the yard, and such all in one day. I can work like a horse for hours or a day and then crash and recover, all without the use of illicit drugs. I'm aware of how it feels to crash and burn like a druggie only because I'll push myself. Last sunday, I took my two older girls and their friend to the japanese gardens in hermann park in houston in the hot summer heat, then to the menil collection, then I forced the truck home as the temp guage rose, and topped off the day with a barbacue at friends house in galveston. We returned home late that night, I was exhausted, and I chalked up to the heat and not enough water. At least I didn't drink any alcohol at the barbacue, too hot to drink and maybe I was a bit dehydrated. Sure hope I'm not getting to be manic depressive or obsessive compulsive, because that's the way I feel right now.
I should be getting some sleep right now as I type this but Dana wants to go the Mummy 3 opening today and I do have to go to work a 12 hour shift this evening and the yard does need to be cut. Instead I'm cruising the internet, reading the paper, want to go for a run because I see myself getting fat when I look in the mirror. I don't know what kind of shape I'm going to be in for work tonight, hope nothing happens.
In other news it has been an eventful summer. Started off with having to get bifocal galsses, my first. Then a week long cruise to the caribbean, then home for my first dental filling in 20 years. I hope I'm getting all this in proper order, I'll have to consult my calenders and journal. I look around my house and see that it could use a good cleaning.
Good thing I made out bills last night, now just to mail them off. It's beautiful sunny day outside, maybe I can get something done before the movie.

My Very First Ever Jury Duty!

40 years old, registered and voting for some 15 or 20 years and have not ever been called for jury duty. Not once, not ever. Have been dodging the proverbial civic duty bullet for so many years that it was only a matter of time before it would find its mark. Well it hit and hit hard, boring in deep and unable to be surgically removed so to speak. So I go on to jury duty and it's like a fucking family reunion. That's sad, I have to go to the Galveston county court house to see family and friends.
Saw Suzette Cerillo, she's a nurse I used to work with and we just got caught up on old times. She still looks great, flaming red hair and now doing massage on the side. Also saw Alicia Ibarra, we grew up together in Hitchcock and I was at her wedding and her fathers funeral just recently. She drops in on my mom at work alot. She looks great, all of those Salazar girls look great. Talk about classic beauty. I also saw one of the guys from church, his son used to go to Our Lady of Lourdes with my girls. I don't recall his name but I do recall his son as super smart and always being on the honor roll, bringing home A's, and always at the top of the class.
So I call yesterday and find out I have to be there this morning just to be told to go home, no trials this week. Still have to call this evening and find out if I'm going back tomorrow. Why even bother putting little ole me on jury duty, make me drive to Galveston, just to be told to go home. They could have told me that over the phone.
So much for my civic duty, at least it wasn't my ass up there handcuffed in county jail scrubs. There were a full dozen men in the jurors box and two women cuffed together by the bench. The blond one was kind of cute but it was plain to see that she was going through withdrawals from whatever she's hooked on. Anyway more to follow later.

Post-Cruise Blues

We went on a another cruise the first week of June. It was great, my girls all had a great time, Dana lounged by the pool and was pampered. I was just glad to get out of town for a few days. I love to travel when I do and I travel far too infrequent. Must get out of the house more.
We did the Carnival Conquest again to the same ports, Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Cozumel. In Jamaica we bussed out to near Ocho Rios and climbed the world famous Dunns Rivers Falls. We would have done better to go by ourselves and climbed on our own. We climbed up part of a group linked hand in hand. The water is clear, cool, and it really reminded me a lot of the Nueces River outside Uvalde, Texas. Dana bitched and complained every step of the way up but she was so proud of herself upon reaching the top and completing the climb. I'm proud of her too. Stephanie did well also, she's a real trooper and kept up with us all.
The jamaican locals we encountered were all trying to sell something and make a buck, really didn't care for them much. I'm sure the rest of the locals aren't like that, hope not anyway. Would really have loved to have spent some days there exploring and enjoying the island. I did buy a hat with dreadlocks, payed too much for it, $20.00, always wanted one of those. Jamaica really is a paradise, a green jewel rising up out of the Carribbean.
Grand Cayman island is still too expensive to really enjoy for all 5 of us so Victoria, Dana, and Stephanie stayed aboard ship in port and Judith and myself landed and walked about the port close to the landing. I found the local public library and checked my emails. Logging on the internet on ship costs $.75/min so I would log on and quickly check, then log off keeping it to an average of $2.50/day. At the library I learned that Obama clinched the democratic nomination for the upcoming election.
We also visited a church on the waterfront that has a long and rich history on Grand Cayman Island. The roof is built of salvaged wood from ship wrecks and was built by a local shipwright in the shape and style of an inverted boat for structural strength. It's a beautiful piece of workmanship and has weathered nearly a century of hurricanes. They don't make them like that anymore. Visiting churches is a personal favorite of mine, especially the long standing and historically rich churches. This one has memorial plaques in the walls. Two of the local church women welcomed us and offered us cool water. God bless them for their kindness to us travellers as the day was hot. Before Judith and I landed, I took some pictures from the deck of the ship. Judith is growing up so beautiful and she looks more and more like my grandmother. They are some of my favorite pictures of her.
Upon our return, I aired out my brother's house next door and Judith came inside wearing a traditional mexican dress and it was a start how close she resembles my grandmother. She has darker skin than her sisters and her facial features scream out with my grandmother's features. Her demeaner and mannerisms are so much like my grandmather also. I can only imagine my grandmother as a young woman when I look at my Judith.
Cozumel was nice, we took a catamaran out and did some snorkeling and landed on the beach for an hour or so to play and kayak and swim. Judith was kicked in the thigh by a horse. She's OK thank God. That would have really ruined the trip. Stephanie initially did not want to go into the water so I waited for Dana and the girls to go in and explained to Stephanie that she did not have to go under the water as we will. She could just float about the surface in her life vest and observe the coral reef and sea life while floating above. She consented and we entered the water and she was fine. It was great to snorkel again and All my girls were in awe of the sport and the reef and the sealife. This made the whole trip for me and I am still in awe at my girls and their awe. That is one of my greatest pleasures as a father, to watch my children discover and to see the look on their faces.
On the catamaran to the beach and back to the ship the beer and maragitas did flow and I did partake of the goodness. I danced with my girls on the deck and did drink, a lot. It was fun and I can't wait to take my girls out when they come of age. They're real party animals of the same spirit as their father.
The water is so clear and blue there and you can see straight to the seafloor 40- 50ft down and maybe deeper. I am unable to look at the the local green and tan gulf and bay water without thinking it dirty. Especially, after looking at carribbean water.
My girls had a blast and that's all that really matters. Travelling with Dana is either pure bliss or pure hell, no inbetween there. She's complaintive, can be loud and doesn't dance and just lays about by the pool or in her cabin and the ever present book is always there. Sometimes that can be real buzz kill. I did find a space of deck far forward away from the crowds, loud music, lights and everyone. It was great and I would spend hours there with the unobstructed views fore and aft. I have some great pics of the girls on that space of deck and the sunsets. Dana wasn't too impressed and her picture shows it. The stars at night are beautiful there.
Just like the last cruise on the Conquest I'd find my self in the passage way to or from my cabin and able to hear the lovemaking in the cabins through the thin cabin doors. This must be the new thing for me, I'm not actively listening for these sounds but they come through the doors. Then I catch a glimpse of the occupants on the last night of the cruise or as we are all disembarking at the end. My imagination running wild.
Can't wait to go out again, Dana wants to go in 2009, I'd happily wait till 2010. The next time, I'm getting the bacony cabin. I don't care for the crowds and find myself seeking peace and quiet. I think a balcony cabin would really be the ticket.
I don't know when I'll get to travel with my girls like that again. I had the most fun with them, dancing, out about the decks, shopping, out ashore. Travelling with my young ladis as they grow up is fun. They aren't little girls anymore. I would let Victoria and Judith run about the ship with their new found friends and didn't see Judith at dinner except for the first two nights. Victoria would come to dinner because our tablemated have a 17 year old daughter. The two were inseperable the entire time at sea. Victoria and Judith would make it back to the cabin by midnight, then we would watch movies in our cabin. This trip out we watched "Juno". Stephanie was the only one I had to really keep a close eye on. She's only 8 years old, but tries to act as a teen, like her sisters. The only times I really looked for my girls about the ship were just before we left port to go back to sea. Wouldn't want to have left one of mine alone in a tropical paradise.
Now we've been home a couple of weeks and it's back to the same old same old. I feel great and can't wait to go out again. Now to work to save money for the next time out.

Waz Up!

Welcome to the month of May and it has been all of beautiful, busy, exciting, and even sad. A family of friends, who I grew up with when I lived here in my grandfather's house, lost their father. He passed away on Sunday, 04May in the afternoon. The Senor Jose Salazar passed away peacefully at home, in his own house surrounded by his family. Now that's the way to go! That's all that man did, just work and take care of his family. Over the years I have aspired to be like him. He was very old school. Able to fix and repair anything and have a great time. Lived in a house put together by his own hands, surrounded by a beautiful yard and garden, a little spot of paradise in Hitchcock. He knew how to have a good time and was full of nothing but peace, love, and joy, and happiness. If I could be just half as he was, I'll be doing well. He and my grandfather used to work together at Todds shipyard in Galveston. They didn't live but maybe a mile apart, and went to Our lady of Lourdes church. The Senora and my grandmother were great friends and together were active in the Guadalupnas at church. No one, and I mean no one walking this earth, can ever make a homemade flour tortilla like the Senora Salazar. Hot, paper thin, flour tortillas bursting with flavor the size of the plate. I've been trying for over 20 years and I am unable to come close and my tortillas are primo, top of the line, great. Want to taste heaven, munch on her tortillas! As A child I attended Stewart elementary school with the oldest girl, Eva. My brother went to school with the oldest son, Felix. My mother is still good friends with the Senora and calls her "comadre". That's very high praise in our culture and worth more than gold and money. The family commands respect and are humble, hard working folk. I am honored to call them my friends and am saddened by our loss. I am unable to recall the last time I cried, probably when my grandparents passed away, but I cried when I entered the room and saw the Senor lying in peaceful repose. I must admit, it has been some years since we had all gotten together but it was all as if I had just left yesterday. The years had melted away. Few people and friends will ever make me feel as they do. Thank you, Senor, and rest in eternal peace! Interced with God for us down here ever now and again. Continue to inspire me with your spirit joined with my grandparents in heaven.

The same 04may the senor passed away, I attended a zen meditation workshop. My first proper workshop, and like taekwondo, it's something I should have done years ago. It was a great experience and something which I have always wanted to do. There must have been some 25 or so people from all parts of UTMB. The zen master Dae Gek, lead the workshop. I have read and studied about prayer, meditation, and the benefits thereof before. It's time to put away the books and actually put into practice what I've read. The bulk of the workshop was simply about remaining still, focusing on our breathing. So simple yet I walked out relaxed as I have not been in years. The facilitators did mention that little is recalled about what is said in these workshops compared to remembering the actual experience and that is all true. I recall little of what was said but still carry that good feeling inside and about. Can't wait to go back.

My dirty little secret for this month - we do have internet, the monitor is fine, but Dana and the girls think it's down and out. Now I can finally get some internet time to myself. Let's see how long I can go before actually telling them it was just a lose pwer cord behind the monitor that was causing all the problems. Without the computer, there's actually some peace and quiet in the house. No fighting over the computer. Dana and the girls spend the bulk of their time watching tv, playing on the computer, leisure reading, and sleeping and eating and that's about it. I cleaned up the house last week, got tired of living in a pig sty the way they do. I think I'll tell them when we get back from the cruise in june.

So much more to write about, but the day is beautiful outside and I want to get out and do stuff. Won't sit in front of this computer rotting away. More to follow later.

Dad's Home

Dad moved to Rio Ranch, New Mexico some 7 or 8 years ago soon after my grandfather passed on. Now I see him every couple of years. We talk on the phone weekly. It seems he always comes out in the spring, except for one year, he came out in the fall. It also seems he always comes out each year we take a cruise. All the same it's great to see him and to meet Jeri, his girlfriend. She's good and I'm glad they are happy, glad that Dad's happy. Everyone deserves to be happy! My brother, Mark and his girlfriend are out too and it seems this is about as close a family reunion Tony Segura will ever get with his sons until the next wedding or funeral which comes up. It seems the only time my side of the family gets together are weddings and funerals. Dana, my wife and her family get together once or twice every year and every major holiday. In fact, you can find most of her immediate family at her parent's house every sunday! What's up with that? My parents would kill me if I showed up each and every sunday, holidays, and twice annual family reunions. No, better to keep it to only weddings, funerals, an occasional holiday, and a visit here and there. We still call each other almost every weekend and if something pops up. Some families get together all the time and some don't. My side is one of those which doesn't get together all the damn time. Doesn't mean we love less, only we get together a lot less than the others. Maybe we even love each other more? Can't wait to go on that cruise in June!

Spring Is In The Air

It's spring time now, the weather out is beautiful and all I want to do is NOT go to work and have a good time - but the reality is entirely opposite. Lent the kayak out to Brandt so her army buddies can enjoy themselves along with one of my bicycles. I still have my street bike and with gas prices over $3.00/gallon, I'm cycling a lot more. It's one mile to the church, bank, library,post office, and 1.5miles to the grocery store. 2 miles to my insurance guy and 5+/- miles to the walmart and taekwondo dojong. 9.5 miles to work one way so that's about the only time I use the truck. No shower at work either to freshen up after a ride as it used to be for me at Naval Hospital in San Diego. In fact I'm still cycling with the same street bike I bought in San Diego this month or so in 1988!. It's a good bicycle, we've been together a lot of years and I am unable to separate myself from it. Now to get my two older girls to cycle to and from school and to teach my youngest to cycle. If only my wife would get up off her ass and start to bicycle, but she comes up with too many excuses. Must be logging off now and get ready for work. I'm at the library on their computers because mine is down and no money for a new one or repairs. I bicycled here.

My Real New Year's Day

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Blame It On The Weather

Maybe it's the new year, mabe it's my diet, maybe it's my marriage, maybe I'm not drinking enough water or getting enough exercise or maybe it's the weather. Nearly the end of January and I'm still trying to get my shit together. Is this a perpetual "get my shit together" thing or something?
Trying to shake this melancholiness off. Havn't put the kayak out in the water or been running or cycling or much of anything except work. At least I'm not drinking more; in fact I've been drinking a whole lot less, maybe I just need to get drunk? I don't know. No increase in my bad ahbits of smoking or drinking, just trying to be a decent husband and good father. Seems like there's a lot to do around here and I'm the only one to do it.
No help from the wife or children. Hell, it's a fight to get them to pick up there shit and just get some semblence of organization for themselves! I have to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and serve it up too! Just what the fuck is going on here?
Taekwondo is a good thing when I do get down there but it certainly isn't fun as a family. I just show up by myself and get a decent workout. Money and the lack of it is the big fight with the wife and always will be. It's almost like I have 4 children at home besides the 3 I've fathered. Is this what marriage is supposed to be like? We're like prison inmates; if we're not fighting we're fucking, if we're not fucking we're fighting. That seems to sum up my marriage in a nutshell.
Work sucks too, lots of changes around there to and I'm not all to happy with them. Not much I can do about that except to protect my liscence and roll with the punches. I might have to find my balls and get a real job and get the hell out of there. Maybe I just need to set my professional sights a little higher, but each time I try to do that I get shot down. Third time's the charm?
My girls are growing up fast, took them out yesterday to the local college parking lot so they could practice their driving. They're just about ready for the open road so watch out! Driving is a basic skill and better for me to teach them the fundamentals than their mother or someone else. Few things as scary in life like getting out on the open road as a newbie driver but you get used to it. I teach mine to always look out for the other guy. Seems to me if one looks out for the other guy, driving is a whole lot more safe. Just make sure you have your shit wired tight before you get out on the road yourself, or for anything else in life.
Anyway, have to get up off my ass and run down to the credit union before the checks I've written bounce and and have to tow the car back. It stalled out there in the parking lot yesterday. Looks like I'm not going to get much else accomplished today. Have to go to work a twelve hour shift tonight too.