Here it is nearing the end of 2009 and I want to comment on the year/ years past events. 2009 was one of those combo years, good and bad. Bad in that I was divorced but good in that I started the healing process. That first step is the most difficult to take and I wouldn't wish anyone going through the divorce process.
All the changes started in 2008; cruise with the family, getting bifocals, first dental work in 20 years, hurricane Ike, leaving a marriage of 17 years, etc, etc. Both a good and rough year. The changes spilled over into the following 2009.
My divorce was finalized in august, sometime in the spring before the finalization I started to slowly pick myself up and put myself together. I credit God for getting me through all this and for Amy, my girlfriend to keep me in all of this. If not for Amy, I don't know what would have happened. i also gaine 20 lbs and now weigh 240lbs and holding. I was 215-220 lbs when I left Dana, my now ex-wife.
Sorry it didn't work out. Am still in therapy about all this. Some days are better than others. Am still in the shit. Wil take some years to get out of this. I count my blessings. That's a good thing, count your blessings, always.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
The Day After Thanksgiving 2009
Am suffering from writer's block, big time. Have for some months now carried around ideas for poetry in my pocket, lines, ideas, words. Nothing comes of it. Where is my muse?
Last year this time, I was practically shitting out poetry, and about to go through a divorce. Saw my in-laws at ryans buffet for thanksgiving 2008. I remember my father-in-law asking how things were and I lied,"Just fine, Dad." Two weeks or so later I had left.
Leaving and divorcing has been hell, wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Truly an awful experience. So is jumping from one relationship to another. Was not wise for me to jump from one heart to the next or from one bed to the next. Wiser to have spent some time alone, Pam warned me about this this time last year and I blew her off. Next time I'll listen to Pam.
Am not afraid of committment, but am surley afraid of the "M" word, or at least more cautious of it. Marriage is something I want no part of , at least not for now. Hope Amy understands. I was proud of my marriage and it was the sin of pride that brought it down among other reasons.
Gave it a lot, my marriage, and then some. was even able to live with my adultry, but my pride was the death knell. Perhaps my marriage was doomed from the start?
We certainly didn't learn enough about each other, we had known each other barely 3 months, were pregnant with Victoria a month after we were married. A little after a year we had met, Victoria was born, 14 months later, Judith was born. Truth is we weren"t ready for marriage in any way, shape, or form. I don't give a damn what Dana, my former wife, says. The first wife.
2008 was not a good year, neithr was 2009. That was the year of being in limbo and the beginning of recovery and healing. Now 2010 is around the corner, and want the recovery and healing to continue and we'll just see what happens. God help me.
Last year this time, I was practically shitting out poetry, and about to go through a divorce. Saw my in-laws at ryans buffet for thanksgiving 2008. I remember my father-in-law asking how things were and I lied,"Just fine, Dad." Two weeks or so later I had left.
Leaving and divorcing has been hell, wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Truly an awful experience. So is jumping from one relationship to another. Was not wise for me to jump from one heart to the next or from one bed to the next. Wiser to have spent some time alone, Pam warned me about this this time last year and I blew her off. Next time I'll listen to Pam.
Am not afraid of committment, but am surley afraid of the "M" word, or at least more cautious of it. Marriage is something I want no part of , at least not for now. Hope Amy understands. I was proud of my marriage and it was the sin of pride that brought it down among other reasons.
Gave it a lot, my marriage, and then some. was even able to live with my adultry, but my pride was the death knell. Perhaps my marriage was doomed from the start?
We certainly didn't learn enough about each other, we had known each other barely 3 months, were pregnant with Victoria a month after we were married. A little after a year we had met, Victoria was born, 14 months later, Judith was born. Truth is we weren"t ready for marriage in any way, shape, or form. I don't give a damn what Dana, my former wife, says. The first wife.
2008 was not a good year, neithr was 2009. That was the year of being in limbo and the beginning of recovery and healing. Now 2010 is around the corner, and want the recovery and healing to continue and we'll just see what happens. God help me.
Friday, October 30, 2009
No Absolution
Some two and a halve months now post divorce as I write this and am still trying to get my life together. Still havn't gone back to taekwondo, new school owners, new staff, different crew all around. Am still not working out regularly or reading or doing anything I had really planned. Not writing poetry. Nothing's going according to plan.
Made an appointment with my local parish priest, Fr. Tom Ponzini, in an effort to right myself with the church. No real go there, not yet. His idea is for me to either reconcile myself with Dana or to move out of this house into a place of my own and then to start over with Amy. That is perhaps how I should do it. That's is perhaps how I would do it had I the funds. When I explained this to him, he suggested one of us sleep on the couch or in another room. Amy sleeps on the reclining love seat in the blue room up front a lot. She looks awfully uncomfortable there asleep, but she says she sleeps well. I sleep in the bedroom. Alone, the way Fr. Tom has prescribed. That's one small victory.
Am supposed to be pursuing an annulment. I truly do not know where to start. It's the only way if I am to get myself right with the church. according to Fr. Tom and the roman Catholic church, I am still married to Dana despite a civil divorce. That is true if I am going to keep calling my self a Roman Catholic, even a poor one. So Amy and I live in a state of mortal sin and we are unable to receive Holy Communion. Unfortunate for me the church was not married to Dana, I was, and the church did not live in our house, no one religion did. Not even the first united methodist church.
Am still in therapy with Malone, so are the girls although somewhat stingily. Victoria immerses herself in work, school, extracuricullar activities, and her social circle. She is the most angry of the three. Judith is similairly keeping herself busy. She is most loyal to her mother and she keeps her emotions inward. I only see Judith and Stephanie over every other weekend. Stephanie is the most resilient and seems to have adapted the easiest. Victoria and Judith are not on the best of terms with Amy, but Stephanie does love Amy dearly and shows it the most. So I do not see much of Victoria. I do call the girls almost every other day and I email them. Mostly I leave messages on there voice mail as they do not answer their cell phones always. Sometimes they call, but only if they want or need something.
But life goes on. I relish the peace and quiet, am a lousy house mate to my fellow house mates, and still I go to mass and I pray the rosary daily. Sometimes I make it down to the gym or the public library. I do the yard work and I pray and I plan. Trying to act a little more and sit around less. Some days are better than others and I continue to seek an absolution.
Made an appointment with my local parish priest, Fr. Tom Ponzini, in an effort to right myself with the church. No real go there, not yet. His idea is for me to either reconcile myself with Dana or to move out of this house into a place of my own and then to start over with Amy. That is perhaps how I should do it. That's is perhaps how I would do it had I the funds. When I explained this to him, he suggested one of us sleep on the couch or in another room. Amy sleeps on the reclining love seat in the blue room up front a lot. She looks awfully uncomfortable there asleep, but she says she sleeps well. I sleep in the bedroom. Alone, the way Fr. Tom has prescribed. That's one small victory.
Am supposed to be pursuing an annulment. I truly do not know where to start. It's the only way if I am to get myself right with the church. according to Fr. Tom and the roman Catholic church, I am still married to Dana despite a civil divorce. That is true if I am going to keep calling my self a Roman Catholic, even a poor one. So Amy and I live in a state of mortal sin and we are unable to receive Holy Communion. Unfortunate for me the church was not married to Dana, I was, and the church did not live in our house, no one religion did. Not even the first united methodist church.
Am still in therapy with Malone, so are the girls although somewhat stingily. Victoria immerses herself in work, school, extracuricullar activities, and her social circle. She is the most angry of the three. Judith is similairly keeping herself busy. She is most loyal to her mother and she keeps her emotions inward. I only see Judith and Stephanie over every other weekend. Stephanie is the most resilient and seems to have adapted the easiest. Victoria and Judith are not on the best of terms with Amy, but Stephanie does love Amy dearly and shows it the most. So I do not see much of Victoria. I do call the girls almost every other day and I email them. Mostly I leave messages on there voice mail as they do not answer their cell phones always. Sometimes they call, but only if they want or need something.
But life goes on. I relish the peace and quiet, am a lousy house mate to my fellow house mates, and still I go to mass and I pray the rosary daily. Sometimes I make it down to the gym or the public library. I do the yard work and I pray and I plan. Trying to act a little more and sit around less. Some days are better than others and I continue to seek an absolution.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Post Divorce Month No.1
My first month post divorce nad the shit has really hit the fan. My two older daughters are having difficulty adjusting and my youngest daughter is adjusting slowly but surely but just fine. My girlfriend loves me, she must because she perceives herself as a punching bag. She really has bitten off the big one with me.
I knew is was going to be like this, just didn't know how bad. Things were actually better when I was just separated. Anyway, one day at a time and a lot of prayer. Now if I can just get some exercise and drop 20-30lbs, I'll be happy.
My situation sucks big time. I'm broke, but not broken. Am not losing weight and am not getting any real exercise either. I did quit smoking though, that's the good news. I'm sure my daughters love me, they're just going through their own shit.
My now ex-wife is being a royal bitch and she looks awful. She's not taking care of herself or my house. She's not working a real job or taking care of the girls. I don't know what to do. Am battle weary but when it comes to my girls, I wish they would move in with me. It's almost as if i still have to do everything and I'm not even living there. god help me, I'm in a world of shit.
I knew is was going to be like this, just didn't know how bad. Things were actually better when I was just separated. Anyway, one day at a time and a lot of prayer. Now if I can just get some exercise and drop 20-30lbs, I'll be happy.
My situation sucks big time. I'm broke, but not broken. Am not losing weight and am not getting any real exercise either. I did quit smoking though, that's the good news. I'm sure my daughters love me, they're just going through their own shit.
My now ex-wife is being a royal bitch and she looks awful. She's not taking care of herself or my house. She's not working a real job or taking care of the girls. I don't know what to do. Am battle weary but when it comes to my girls, I wish they would move in with me. It's almost as if i still have to do everything and I'm not even living there. god help me, I'm in a world of shit.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Finally Divorced!
Here it is the end of august and I'm just now getting my ass up to blog something. Found out, on 11aug, that my divorce finally went through. Still have to go down to the courthouse in Galveston and get the actual decree but my attorney's office has assured me that the paperwork has gone through, signed by the judge, myself, and now my ex-wife, and now I am legally divorced.
Like any good mexican, I went and got drunk, then went to the cemetery and visited my dead loved ones. I don't know why I did that, it's a bit of a blur still, but that's what I did. My mother and brother came to check on me.
Shouldn't have come as a shock, but it did. I left in december of 2008, it's august 2009 and now I'm actually divorced. Kind of feels different. Eight months to the day I left my now ex-wife and it's all legal now. Why should I feel so odd, out of place? It's not as if I left yesterday or last week. It's a full eight months. I feel I should have been prepared for the actual finalization.
I suppose the combination of eight months, going on living, waiting for the legal bullshit, then capping it off with the inevitable, well it was a bit of a shock. Am I happy? Happiness is relative to a lot of different things. Is this what I wanted? Now that I'm actually divorced, I don't know what I want-never did.
It's not easy to say or answer some questions. My world isn't so black and white, there's a big gray area in some parts of it. Maybe I'm all fucked up? I am in therapy. Maybe I've been traumatized by my marriage and I don't even know it? Maybe I need more help than I think?
Life goes on, I'm living. I'm rolling with the punches. It's not what happens to one in life, but how we deal with it. More to follow later.
Like any good mexican, I went and got drunk, then went to the cemetery and visited my dead loved ones. I don't know why I did that, it's a bit of a blur still, but that's what I did. My mother and brother came to check on me.
Shouldn't have come as a shock, but it did. I left in december of 2008, it's august 2009 and now I'm actually divorced. Kind of feels different. Eight months to the day I left my now ex-wife and it's all legal now. Why should I feel so odd, out of place? It's not as if I left yesterday or last week. It's a full eight months. I feel I should have been prepared for the actual finalization.
I suppose the combination of eight months, going on living, waiting for the legal bullshit, then capping it off with the inevitable, well it was a bit of a shock. Am I happy? Happiness is relative to a lot of different things. Is this what I wanted? Now that I'm actually divorced, I don't know what I want-never did.
It's not easy to say or answer some questions. My world isn't so black and white, there's a big gray area in some parts of it. Maybe I'm all fucked up? I am in therapy. Maybe I've been traumatized by my marriage and I don't even know it? Maybe I need more help than I think?
Life goes on, I'm living. I'm rolling with the punches. It's not what happens to one in life, but how we deal with it. More to follow later.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Most Recent Rants and Ravings
Here it is the middle of July and still no resolution in my divorce. It's been seven months and still no end, this is riduculous! How long does it take? What's the legal bill going to look like? What about my personal state of mind and spirit? What do I have to do to get a little fire under lawyer's ass?
The homefront sucks too with litlle if any money, I'm giving away almost half my check in child support and spousal support. Thank God my pleasures are simple. Wish I had a place of my own to take care of my daughters and myself but that's one of the reasons I stayed mearried for so long; because I couldn't have a place of my own with my girls.
Living with housemates sucks big time. Living with Amy is easy. Her way and mine are very much alike. My housemates are another story. Fortunately for them I love everyone. I just don't like rotting in front of a tv all the time ( like my soon to be ex wife), griping (like my soon to be ex), stress eating ( must change my eating habits!). I live with the people I work with and I keep telling Amy we have to get out and meet new people. Living like a hermit is fine and dandy, I've been doing it for years, but we must get out more.
Started up the taekwondo thing late last month again, it's almost as if I had not ever left. They're good people. The first few return sessions are the hardest. I'm out of practice, but my attitude is good and healthy. Lots of changes on that front also, new people, instructor changes and such. Change is good.
Am trying to get around on the bicycle more and trying to stretch out more and reconnect with family and church. Some days I don't know where to start. Some days seem like way to much to deal with except for just going to work and such. My eating habits suck, my sleep cycles are all off, I'm just a perpetual work in progress. havn't written poetry for a while either. Have the itch but am just scratching it. Must scratch harder!
The homefront sucks too with litlle if any money, I'm giving away almost half my check in child support and spousal support. Thank God my pleasures are simple. Wish I had a place of my own to take care of my daughters and myself but that's one of the reasons I stayed mearried for so long; because I couldn't have a place of my own with my girls.
Living with housemates sucks big time. Living with Amy is easy. Her way and mine are very much alike. My housemates are another story. Fortunately for them I love everyone. I just don't like rotting in front of a tv all the time ( like my soon to be ex wife), griping (like my soon to be ex), stress eating ( must change my eating habits!). I live with the people I work with and I keep telling Amy we have to get out and meet new people. Living like a hermit is fine and dandy, I've been doing it for years, but we must get out more.
Started up the taekwondo thing late last month again, it's almost as if I had not ever left. They're good people. The first few return sessions are the hardest. I'm out of practice, but my attitude is good and healthy. Lots of changes on that front also, new people, instructor changes and such. Change is good.
Am trying to get around on the bicycle more and trying to stretch out more and reconnect with family and church. Some days I don't know where to start. Some days seem like way to much to deal with except for just going to work and such. My eating habits suck, my sleep cycles are all off, I'm just a perpetual work in progress. havn't written poetry for a while either. Have the itch but am just scratching it. Must scratch harder!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Almost At An Agreement
Has been months since I've made any sort of an entry. The divorce drama goes on. I would not wish this experience upon anyone, not my worse enemy. This is by far the most painful and emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically draining experience I have ever gone through. It is a cruel exercise in endurance and character and whatever else makes one up. It tears ones life apart and upside down and inside out. It's a pure hell on earth and invades every fiber of ones being.
The attornies banter back and forth and don't move quick enough. It seems that this should be a cut and dry affair. I am not a financially wealthy man. I do not have great tracts of land or mansions or new vehicles or any such. I have a lot of bills, debt, my personal possessions, and the trauma of my 17 year marriage. I feel like an abused pet which has just been let in from the wet and cold.
For the first time in many years I am being treated well. Too bad I had to leave my home, tear apart my family, and break my heart and hers. Too bad, but one does have to go through the desert before reaching the promised land. I am sorry for staying married for so long. I am sorry for being the man who I was at times. I am no angel, I am not the best of men, I can be difficult to love and more difficult to live with.
I admit my shortcomings and accept them as mine and mine alone. But it's not all my fault. far from it. Marriage should be a partnership and the love and labors and wealth shared. I feel that, in my marriage, it was me who bore the brunt of the load. Sure she did the dishes and laundry and put up with my shit, but she rarely lifted a finger to help bring in the bacon. Sure she chauffered the girls around, but didn't support us as a family unit. No, I did that, I went the extra mile and then some.
I did the yard, took care of the house, the vehicles, paid the bills took the family on vacations, worked full time and sometimes two jobs, and was both mom and dad to our daughters. I was the one who made sure Victoria went to physical therapy and that Judith went to speech therapy. I was the one who made sure all three girls were registered in school and even had them in catholic school for a while. Try doing that on a single paycheck.
Sure I'm indebted and grateful to my parents and in-laws and grandparents, there's no way I would have done it on my own. Sure didn't get a lot of help from my then wife. It's almost as if I had four girls at home, three of them my own daughters.
I didn't ever press her to convert to catholicism. I would go to church at the United Methodist church for a while. Sometimes she would go to the Our Lady of Lourdes where we are registered as parishioners. I didn't press the religious issue too much, now I wish I had.
People change, we all do, we just didn't grow and change together. No we grew and we changed, but we grew and changed apart. Our children didn't remain little girls forever. Victoria nad Judith are teenagers and Judith has a part time job now. Stephanie is nine years old but she sure acts like her older sisters and thinks she's a teenager. She's only a nine year old, for now anyway.
I feel as if I'm offering her a sweet enough deal. She can live in the house rent free until the youngest one moves out or she remarries. Just so long as she pays her own bills and doesn't touch my retirement. I'll eat the taxes and insurance and upkeep and such. She's going to have get a job, a real one with benefits, full time hours, and grow up some. As it she's gettin $403.00 and $200.00 every payday in child and spousal support respectively. That's almost half my paycheck and doesn't leave me much to live on. I get all the bills too.
I do get some peace and quiet. I miss my daughters terribly so and the adjustment process hasn't always been easy. It will all be good on the end for each ofus. Just have to get through this and get the divorce finalized.
The attornies banter back and forth and don't move quick enough. It seems that this should be a cut and dry affair. I am not a financially wealthy man. I do not have great tracts of land or mansions or new vehicles or any such. I have a lot of bills, debt, my personal possessions, and the trauma of my 17 year marriage. I feel like an abused pet which has just been let in from the wet and cold.
For the first time in many years I am being treated well. Too bad I had to leave my home, tear apart my family, and break my heart and hers. Too bad, but one does have to go through the desert before reaching the promised land. I am sorry for staying married for so long. I am sorry for being the man who I was at times. I am no angel, I am not the best of men, I can be difficult to love and more difficult to live with.
I admit my shortcomings and accept them as mine and mine alone. But it's not all my fault. far from it. Marriage should be a partnership and the love and labors and wealth shared. I feel that, in my marriage, it was me who bore the brunt of the load. Sure she did the dishes and laundry and put up with my shit, but she rarely lifted a finger to help bring in the bacon. Sure she chauffered the girls around, but didn't support us as a family unit. No, I did that, I went the extra mile and then some.
I did the yard, took care of the house, the vehicles, paid the bills took the family on vacations, worked full time and sometimes two jobs, and was both mom and dad to our daughters. I was the one who made sure Victoria went to physical therapy and that Judith went to speech therapy. I was the one who made sure all three girls were registered in school and even had them in catholic school for a while. Try doing that on a single paycheck.
Sure I'm indebted and grateful to my parents and in-laws and grandparents, there's no way I would have done it on my own. Sure didn't get a lot of help from my then wife. It's almost as if I had four girls at home, three of them my own daughters.
I didn't ever press her to convert to catholicism. I would go to church at the United Methodist church for a while. Sometimes she would go to the Our Lady of Lourdes where we are registered as parishioners. I didn't press the religious issue too much, now I wish I had.
People change, we all do, we just didn't grow and change together. No we grew and we changed, but we grew and changed apart. Our children didn't remain little girls forever. Victoria nad Judith are teenagers and Judith has a part time job now. Stephanie is nine years old but she sure acts like her older sisters and thinks she's a teenager. She's only a nine year old, for now anyway.
I feel as if I'm offering her a sweet enough deal. She can live in the house rent free until the youngest one moves out or she remarries. Just so long as she pays her own bills and doesn't touch my retirement. I'll eat the taxes and insurance and upkeep and such. She's going to have get a job, a real one with benefits, full time hours, and grow up some. As it she's gettin $403.00 and $200.00 every payday in child and spousal support respectively. That's almost half my paycheck and doesn't leave me much to live on. I get all the bills too.
I do get some peace and quiet. I miss my daughters terribly so and the adjustment process hasn't always been easy. It will all be good on the end for each ofus. Just have to get through this and get the divorce finalized.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Splitsville sucks!
Short and sweet sports fans, am getting divorced! Filed for divorce after 17 years of marriage in early december and moved out of my own house on 10dec08. Have been living out of bags and boxes since then. This has to be the single most difficult experience I have ever endured in my life. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. The worst is not being under the same roof with my three daughters.
My whole life has been turned inside out and upside down and my emotions are a storm of I don't know what. I feel sadness, shame, some peace and quiet, some what liberated, distraught, positive, negative. In fact, I really am unable to pinpoint any one feeling since then. My feelings are all relative to a lot of other stuff, people, etc, etc.
My parents are divorced, have been since I was 4, my brother is divorced. Some of our cousins are divorced. I should not be a stranger to it, but one has to go through it to understand it. Many of my coworkers and friends are divorced, so what the fuck? I don't know.
It's not so much the material aspect so much as the human aspect. Firstly, there's my daughters. They are with ther mother and I keep in touch with them via email and cell phone, they're only a short 15 minute drive away. The girls are 16, 15, and 8 about to be 9 years old next month. The teens have their friends and social circles and their own young agendas. My youngest is who I am most concerned for. She's only 8. Thank God children are more reseliant than adults. When I do see her she comes running straight into my arms and tells me she loves daddy. It hurts to let her go.
My routine is all upset except for work. I still go to work and it's almost as if there is some sense of normalcy there. My job is the one thing not really turned inside out. Seems like everything else in my life is. Are all divorces like this? Are there stages like Kubler-Ross and death and dying? I suppose so.
Some of me feels freed, though I'm not really. Some of me feels liberated, but the divorce decree isn't finalized as of this writing. I feel some loss, but mostly I feel let's get it over with so I can get on with the rest of my life.
I suppose I feel hopeful in the sense that I want to hurry up, get the divorce finalized and get on with living. Get on with the recovery is more like it. I liken it to amputating a gangrenous limb. Suffering, getting help, going through the surgery, going through OT/PT, getting on with the healing. So when does the healing start?
The healing starts right here and now. whenever I decide to get my life together. It starts when I decide to heal. It's like Victor Frankel says, "It's not what happens to you in life, but how you deal with it". That's the best way I can put it right now.
Sure my life is topsy turvy, I'm the one who topsy turvied it. Now I and I alone and God must unfuck it. It was my decision to get divorced and now it's my decision to start the recovery process. I started smoking cigarettes again and quit after almost two months, I started working out again, that's a good thing. Started going back to Mass, that's a great thing. One must look on the bright side of life like Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life." in Life of Brian. Have not started drinking to excess, I'm saving that for the post-divorce celebration. More to follow on that later, I go to court next week for the orders.
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My whole life has been turned inside out and upside down and my emotions are a storm of I don't know what. I feel sadness, shame, some peace and quiet, some what liberated, distraught, positive, negative. In fact, I really am unable to pinpoint any one feeling since then. My feelings are all relative to a lot of other stuff, people, etc, etc.
My parents are divorced, have been since I was 4, my brother is divorced. Some of our cousins are divorced. I should not be a stranger to it, but one has to go through it to understand it. Many of my coworkers and friends are divorced, so what the fuck? I don't know.
It's not so much the material aspect so much as the human aspect. Firstly, there's my daughters. They are with ther mother and I keep in touch with them via email and cell phone, they're only a short 15 minute drive away. The girls are 16, 15, and 8 about to be 9 years old next month. The teens have their friends and social circles and their own young agendas. My youngest is who I am most concerned for. She's only 8. Thank God children are more reseliant than adults. When I do see her she comes running straight into my arms and tells me she loves daddy. It hurts to let her go.
My routine is all upset except for work. I still go to work and it's almost as if there is some sense of normalcy there. My job is the one thing not really turned inside out. Seems like everything else in my life is. Are all divorces like this? Are there stages like Kubler-Ross and death and dying? I suppose so.
Some of me feels freed, though I'm not really. Some of me feels liberated, but the divorce decree isn't finalized as of this writing. I feel some loss, but mostly I feel let's get it over with so I can get on with the rest of my life.
I suppose I feel hopeful in the sense that I want to hurry up, get the divorce finalized and get on with living. Get on with the recovery is more like it. I liken it to amputating a gangrenous limb. Suffering, getting help, going through the surgery, going through OT/PT, getting on with the healing. So when does the healing start?
The healing starts right here and now. whenever I decide to get my life together. It starts when I decide to heal. It's like Victor Frankel says, "It's not what happens to you in life, but how you deal with it". That's the best way I can put it right now.
Sure my life is topsy turvy, I'm the one who topsy turvied it. Now I and I alone and God must unfuck it. It was my decision to get divorced and now it's my decision to start the recovery process. I started smoking cigarettes again and quit after almost two months, I started working out again, that's a good thing. Started going back to Mass, that's a great thing. One must look on the bright side of life like Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life." in Life of Brian. Have not started drinking to excess, I'm saving that for the post-divorce celebration. More to follow on that later, I go to court next week for the orders.
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