Am suffering from writer's block, big time. Have for some months now carried around ideas for poetry in my pocket, lines, ideas, words. Nothing comes of it. Where is my muse?
Last year this time, I was practically shitting out poetry, and about to go through a divorce. Saw my in-laws at ryans buffet for thanksgiving 2008. I remember my father-in-law asking how things were and I lied,"Just fine, Dad." Two weeks or so later I had left.
Leaving and divorcing has been hell, wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Truly an awful experience. So is jumping from one relationship to another. Was not wise for me to jump from one heart to the next or from one bed to the next. Wiser to have spent some time alone, Pam warned me about this this time last year and I blew her off. Next time I'll listen to Pam.
Am not afraid of committment, but am surley afraid of the "M" word, or at least more cautious of it. Marriage is something I want no part of , at least not for now. Hope Amy understands. I was proud of my marriage and it was the sin of pride that brought it down among other reasons.
Gave it a lot, my marriage, and then some. was even able to live with my adultry, but my pride was the death knell. Perhaps my marriage was doomed from the start?
We certainly didn't learn enough about each other, we had known each other barely 3 months, were pregnant with Victoria a month after we were married. A little after a year we had met, Victoria was born, 14 months later, Judith was born. Truth is we weren"t ready for marriage in any way, shape, or form. I don't give a damn what Dana, my former wife, says. The first wife.
2008 was not a good year, neithr was 2009. That was the year of being in limbo and the beginning of recovery and healing. Now 2010 is around the corner, and want the recovery and healing to continue and we'll just see what happens. God help me.
Friday, November 27, 2009
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