Real Bad Case Of Writer's Block

Have been suffering from a real bad case of writer's block for some months now and am unable to shake it. Not motivated to write poetry or a journal entry or anything. I pack around these notes for poems in my pocket and they just sit there. Some poetry I've written had been packed around for months like this before they ever materialized. even some of my best ones. I whip them out, go over the tattered sheets of paper, fold them back up with disgust, and stuff them back into my pocket. Now how am I to make something of this? What am I to do?

Getting On With Life

Hoping and praying and getting off my ass, more easier said than done. Some days are easier than others. Trying not to sleep all day on my first day off. Working 12hr night shifts from 1800-0600 can be an ass kicker sometimes. Simply don't feel as energetic as I used too. Staying away from the tv is a major help, limiting computer work or internet time to 1hr or less also helps. Keeping a schedule does and does not always work, something always pops up or some other circumstance throws a monkey wrench into the best laid of plans. I call it the fuck up factor. Perhaps a visit from the fuck up fairy is more appropriate? The spontaneous just get up and do it moments seem the best. One night last week, unable to sleep, I hopped onto my bicycle, went down to the taekwondo school for an imprompto howdy, bought a six pack of beer, went star gazing out on the dike, and grabbed a burger on the way home in a mild state of damn good buzz. I did get some yard work done at my mothers house yesterday and I did go to mass this morning. Even managed to do some yard work around here this morning before it grew too hot outside. Must pace myself and not over do things. Tonight, after dropping off Amy at work and my daughter back with her mother, I'm picking up another six pack of cheap beer or wine, load my telescope up on my bike rack and head off to the dike again. This may be a summetime ritual with me, who knows? I do know I enjoy getting out of the house like this, get some exercise, a good buzz, and gaze at the stars with my 20 year old telescope.

Female Problems

In a world of shit with the most important females in my life. I just am unable to satisfy any woman in my life right now. My daughters, my girlfriend/fiancee/domestic partner, my sister, my mother, female co-workers; name any important woman in my life and she'll find some beef with me.
My two older daughters are teenagers, so that says a lot right there. They do not get along with Amy, my girlfriend/fiancee/domestic partner. amy does not get along with them. That's a big source of my grief there. I am unble to please any of them lately.
Amy is all aggrevated with me for any number of reasons, just pick something and it's my fault. Job, house, family, me, sex, handling bills, my old truck, watching a movie on TV/DVD, computer time spent,dealing with the housemates, anything. I don't know about that one. Complains about all sorts of stuff.
My sister is just now talking to me since my divorce. I call her, leave a message when I am unable to reach her. She rarely returns my calls or calls me at all. Havn't heard from my brother in law in months.
My mother still loves me, but even she stands back and lets me deal with my own bullshit. As a parent I can see her point there, am doing the same with my own daughters. Just hope they survive it and aren't scarred by it for life.
Have to get out of bed now and start moving around, get another cup of coffee, water the garden, weed the garden, etc, etc.

The Therapy Blues

Some therapy days, days which I have a therapy appointment, I just have to wonder why. Why do I pay $30.00 a pop , why do I show up, why do I schedule things around these appointments and drive out so far? After all I have a lot of other shit to do and other uses for $30.00 american of my hard earned money.
But I do show up. I pay $30.00 a pop. I drive out across to the other county. I even take my daughters, they're in therapy too. We're all in therapy. It all started with my youngest daughter and her treatment for her ADHD in 2008. By the end of that year, my marriage was shit, I had left my wife of 17 years, and I was getting divorced. By early 2009, I was a client.
I was trying to unfuck my life. When I really fuck up, when I really need help. I go to a catholic priest. Preferably Fr. Frank, but he's in another parish and it's hell to try to get time with him. So I settle for my parish priest and that's a so so relationship for more so so results. After all, one is talking to a Roman Catholic priest.
A priest is far better a therapist, no matter how bad I fuck up, than any professionally trained, experienced, disciplined, therapuetic therapist. That still didn't save my marriage. So now I see my daughter's therapist. With her, some visits are better than others.
This therapist is a social worker by training, she's married with teenage children of her own. She's Roman Catholic. We were initially refered to her by our daughter's child psychiatrist, the one who prescribed and manages my girl with the strattera. I thought she could help. She did, my daughter anyway. She couldn't do shit for my then wife and myself.
No, that kind of help has to come from within. One has to want help. On has to help ones self. My then wife didn't want that help. She never did, not in the entire 17 years we were married. Neither did I for that matter.
I'm not perfect. I have my issues. We had our issues. I can be difficult to live with and difficult to love. Had I known then what I know now - I would have not married her in the first place. Of course, with marriage, no one really knows then. One just does it. We did.
The only good to come out of that marriage are our daughters. The rest of it, the way we treated ourselves as a husband and wife was all shit. The sex was good, great sometimes. But one shouldn't base their marriage on sex alone. Not good, I should know because I tried.
On the flip side of that coin, one should go into a marriage with a littler more better preparation than just knowing each other for barely 3 months before standing in front of a JP saying "I do".
Don't ask me, I don't know. I do know that I do love my children. I even love my ex-wife still in a sort of weird way. I must, I still put up with her shit to the tune of $557.00 every other friday. Or is that just my love affair with my personal freedoms and not wanting to go jail for not paying court ordered child support?
I don't know. I don't know shit. Now if I could just quit smoking.

Pre-Meeting Troy Jitters

Have been with Amy for little over a year now and am to meet her brother in law, Troy, tomorrow. Am feeling just a bit jittery, like a teenager about to meet his girlfriend's family for the first time. Swept and mopped all the floors, foyer, kitchen, bathroom, shook out and/or washed out the carpets and such Even washed and dryed all the laundry and changed out the bed and bathroom linens. Want to make a good first time impression.
I shouldn't be jittery. Have met her sister, Denise, and nephew, Mickey, some months ago and they come and visit. Mickey even stayed for a month or so. Still I can not help but to be as jittery as a schoolboy!
Guess this relationship is getting serious, real serious. I love Amy and am committed to her. I'm not afraid of committment. I am afraid of marriage in any sense of the word. But it wouldn't be right to not marry her. That would be the good and right thing to do. I shouldn't be afraid of marriage, but after being married to dana for 17 years, I suppose I am a case of once botten, twice shy.
Domestic partner wouldn't be right for Amy, she's better than that. Way better. I'm still fucked in the head and traumatized from being married to Dana and dealing with my children. Don't want to just run off and get married but don't want to lose a good thing either.
Friend of mine emailed me about finding myself, another says I need alone time before I jump off into another relationship. That I should not have hooked up so quickly with Amy. That I need time to heal and all that. I don't know.
I don't know anything. Amy and my daughters do not get along. The housemate thing works and then doesn't work. Truth is I've never had it so good before, no matter the bullshit. Another truth is, it's not a destination but a journey. I am enjoying the journey more now with Amy. I do enjoy my alone time, even though I miss my children just as much. It's all about finding a balnce and letting go and love and all that.
Love is a many faceted word. I love my daughters, but they will have to make their choices and take their own lumps. They are my first priority, just how to make them aware of that as they continue to grow. I love Amy and want to live with her, but I'm not the easiest to love or live with, neither is she at times. I still love Dana, just refuse to live with her or share any thing else with her. I've already given her enough. Perhaps too much. The sex was good, I really do miss that. Sex with Amy is good also. Am unable to go around basing by relationships on sex alone though, that's not healthy.
The big question is, do I love myself?, Do I love me? How do I love me? That sounds like a poem in the works. Will have to write that down to work on it later, along with all the other projects I have on perpetual hold.
Am now off to polish off the bookshelves my grandfather made and to pick up around the house some more. Am supposed to meet Troy tomorrow at noon at the taqueria. At least I'm not drinking excessively.

End Of 2009 Message

Here it is nearing the end of 2009 and I want to comment on the year/ years past events. 2009 was one of those combo years, good and bad. Bad in that I was divorced but good in that I started the healing process. That first step is the most difficult to take and I wouldn't wish anyone going through the divorce process.
All the changes started in 2008; cruise with the family, getting bifocals, first dental work in 20 years, hurricane Ike, leaving a marriage of 17 years, etc, etc. Both a good and rough year. The changes spilled over into the following 2009.
My divorce was finalized in august, sometime in the spring before the finalization I started to slowly pick myself up and put myself together. I credit God for getting me through all this and for Amy, my girlfriend to keep me in all of this. If not for Amy, I don't know what would have happened. i also gaine 20 lbs and now weigh 240lbs and holding. I was 215-220 lbs when I left Dana, my now ex-wife.
Sorry it didn't work out. Am still in therapy about all this. Some days are better than others. Am still in the shit. Wil take some years to get out of this. I count my blessings. That's a good thing, count your blessings, always.

The Day After Thanksgiving 2009

Am suffering from writer's block, big time. Have for some months now carried around ideas for poetry in my pocket, lines, ideas, words. Nothing comes of it. Where is my muse?
Last year this time, I was practically shitting out poetry, and about to go through a divorce. Saw my in-laws at ryans buffet for thanksgiving 2008. I remember my father-in-law asking how things were and I lied,"Just fine, Dad." Two weeks or so later I had left.
Leaving and divorcing has been hell, wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Truly an awful experience. So is jumping from one relationship to another. Was not wise for me to jump from one heart to the next or from one bed to the next. Wiser to have spent some time alone, Pam warned me about this this time last year and I blew her off. Next time I'll listen to Pam.
Am not afraid of committment, but am surley afraid of the "M" word, or at least more cautious of it. Marriage is something I want no part of , at least not for now. Hope Amy understands. I was proud of my marriage and it was the sin of pride that brought it down among other reasons.
Gave it a lot, my marriage, and then some. was even able to live with my adultry, but my pride was the death knell. Perhaps my marriage was doomed from the start?
We certainly didn't learn enough about each other, we had known each other barely 3 months, were pregnant with Victoria a month after we were married. A little after a year we had met, Victoria was born, 14 months later, Judith was born. Truth is we weren"t ready for marriage in any way, shape, or form. I don't give a damn what Dana, my former wife, says. The first wife.
2008 was not a good year, neithr was 2009. That was the year of being in limbo and the beginning of recovery and healing. Now 2010 is around the corner, and want the recovery and healing to continue and we'll just see what happens. God help me.

No Absolution

Some two and a halve months now post divorce as I write this and am still trying to get my life together. Still havn't gone back to taekwondo, new school owners, new staff, different crew all around. Am still not working out regularly or reading or doing anything I had really planned. Not writing poetry. Nothing's going according to plan.
Made an appointment with my local parish priest, Fr. Tom Ponzini, in an effort to right myself with the church. No real go there, not yet. His idea is for me to either reconcile myself with Dana or to move out of this house into a place of my own and then to start over with Amy. That is perhaps how I should do it. That's is perhaps how I would do it had I the funds. When I explained this to him, he suggested one of us sleep on the couch or in another room. Amy sleeps on the reclining love seat in the blue room up front a lot. She looks awfully uncomfortable there asleep, but she says she sleeps well. I sleep in the bedroom. Alone, the way Fr. Tom has prescribed. That's one small victory.


Am supposed to be pursuing an annulment. I truly do not know where to start. It's the only way if I am to get myself right with the church. according to Fr. Tom and the roman Catholic church, I am still married to Dana despite a civil divorce. That is true if I am going to keep calling my self a Roman Catholic, even a poor one. So Amy and I live in a state of mortal sin and we are unable to receive Holy Communion. Unfortunate for me the church was not married to Dana, I was, and the church did not live in our house, no one religion did. Not even the first united methodist church.

Am still in therapy with Malone, so are the girls although somewhat stingily. Victoria immerses herself in work, school, extracuricullar activities, and her social circle. She is the most angry of the three. Judith is similairly keeping herself busy. She is most loyal to her mother and she keeps her emotions inward. I only see Judith and Stephanie over every other weekend. Stephanie is the most resilient and seems to have adapted the easiest. Victoria and Judith are not on the best of terms with Amy, but Stephanie does love Amy dearly and shows it the most. So I do not see much of Victoria. I do call the girls almost every other day and I email them. Mostly I leave messages on there voice mail as they do not answer their cell phones always. Sometimes they call, but only if they want or need something.
But life goes on. I relish the peace and quiet, am a lousy house mate to my fellow house mates, and still I go to mass and I pray the rosary daily. Sometimes I make it down to the gym or the public library. I do the yard work and I pray and I plan. Trying to act a little more and sit around less. Some days are better than others and I continue to seek an absolution.

Post Divorce Month No.1

My first month post divorce nad the shit has really hit the fan. My two older daughters are having difficulty adjusting and my youngest daughter is adjusting slowly but surely but just fine. My girlfriend loves me, she must because she perceives herself as a punching bag. She really has bitten off the big one with me.
I knew is was going to be like this, just didn't know how bad. Things were actually better when I was just separated. Anyway, one day at a time and a lot of prayer. Now if I can just get some exercise and drop 20-30lbs, I'll be happy.
My situation sucks big time. I'm broke, but not broken. Am not losing weight and am not getting any real exercise either. I did quit smoking though, that's the good news. I'm sure my daughters love me, they're just going through their own shit.
My now ex-wife is being a royal bitch and she looks awful. She's not taking care of herself or my house. She's not working a real job or taking care of the girls. I don't know what to do. Am battle weary but when it comes to my girls, I wish they would move in with me. It's almost as if i still have to do everything and I'm not even living there. god help me, I'm in a world of shit.

Finally Divorced!

Here it is the end of august and I'm just now getting my ass up to blog something. Found out, on 11aug, that my divorce finally went through. Still have to go down to the courthouse in Galveston and get the actual decree but my attorney's office has assured me that the paperwork has gone through, signed by the judge, myself, and now my ex-wife, and now I am legally divorced.
Like any good mexican, I went and got drunk, then went to the cemetery and visited my dead loved ones. I don't know why I did that, it's a bit of a blur still, but that's what I did. My mother and brother came to check on me.
Shouldn't have come as a shock, but it did. I left in december of 2008, it's august 2009 and now I'm actually divorced. Kind of feels different. Eight months to the day I left my now ex-wife and it's all legal now. Why should I feel so odd, out of place? It's not as if I left yesterday or last week. It's a full eight months. I feel I should have been prepared for the actual finalization.
I suppose the combination of eight months, going on living, waiting for the legal bullshit, then capping it off with the inevitable, well it was a bit of a shock. Am I happy? Happiness is relative to a lot of different things. Is this what I wanted? Now that I'm actually divorced, I don't know what I want-never did.
It's not easy to say or answer some questions. My world isn't so black and white, there's a big gray area in some parts of it. Maybe I'm all fucked up? I am in therapy. Maybe I've been traumatized by my marriage and I don't even know it? Maybe I need more help than I think?
Life goes on, I'm living. I'm rolling with the punches. It's not what happens to one in life, but how we deal with it. More to follow later.

Most Recent Rants and Ravings

Here it is the middle of July and still no resolution in my divorce. It's been seven months and still no end, this is riduculous! How long does it take? What's the legal bill going to look like? What about my personal state of mind and spirit? What do I have to do to get a little fire under lawyer's ass?
The homefront sucks too with litlle if any money, I'm giving away almost half my check in child support and spousal support. Thank God my pleasures are simple. Wish I had a place of my own to take care of my daughters and myself but that's one of the reasons I stayed mearried for so long; because I couldn't have a place of my own with my girls.
Living with housemates sucks big time. Living with Amy is easy. Her way and mine are very much alike. My housemates are another story. Fortunately for them I love everyone. I just don't like rotting in front of a tv all the time ( like my soon to be ex wife), griping (like my soon to be ex), stress eating ( must change my eating habits!). I live with the people I work with and I keep telling Amy we have to get out and meet new people. Living like a hermit is fine and dandy, I've been doing it for years, but we must get out more.
Started up the taekwondo thing late last month again, it's almost as if I had not ever left. They're good people. The first few return sessions are the hardest. I'm out of practice, but my attitude is good and healthy. Lots of changes on that front also, new people, instructor changes and such. Change is good.
Am trying to get around on the bicycle more and trying to stretch out more and reconnect with family and church. Some days I don't know where to start. Some days seem like way to much to deal with except for just going to work and such. My eating habits suck, my sleep cycles are all off, I'm just a perpetual work in progress. havn't written poetry for a while either. Have the itch but am just scratching it. Must scratch harder!

Almost At An Agreement

Has been months since I've made any sort of an entry. The divorce drama goes on. I would not wish this experience upon anyone, not my worse enemy. This is by far the most painful and emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically draining experience I have ever gone through. It is a cruel exercise in endurance and character and whatever else makes one up. It tears ones life apart and upside down and inside out. It's a pure hell on earth and invades every fiber of ones being.
The attornies banter back and forth and don't move quick enough. It seems that this should be a cut and dry affair. I am not a financially wealthy man. I do not have great tracts of land or mansions or new vehicles or any such. I have a lot of bills, debt, my personal possessions, and the trauma of my 17 year marriage. I feel like an abused pet which has just been let in from the wet and cold.
For the first time in many years I am being treated well. Too bad I had to leave my home, tear apart my family, and break my heart and hers. Too bad, but one does have to go through the desert before reaching the promised land. I am sorry for staying married for so long. I am sorry for being the man who I was at times. I am no angel, I am not the best of men, I can be difficult to love and more difficult to live with.
I admit my shortcomings and accept them as mine and mine alone. But it's not all my fault. far from it. Marriage should be a partnership and the love and labors and wealth shared. I feel that, in my marriage, it was me who bore the brunt of the load. Sure she did the dishes and laundry and put up with my shit, but she rarely lifted a finger to help bring in the bacon. Sure she chauffered the girls around, but didn't support us as a family unit. No, I did that, I went the extra mile and then some.
I did the yard, took care of the house, the vehicles, paid the bills took the family on vacations, worked full time and sometimes two jobs, and was both mom and dad to our daughters. I was the one who made sure Victoria went to physical therapy and that Judith went to speech therapy. I was the one who made sure all three girls were registered in school and even had them in catholic school for a while. Try doing that on a single paycheck.
Sure I'm indebted and grateful to my parents and in-laws and grandparents, there's no way I would have done it on my own. Sure didn't get a lot of help from my then wife. It's almost as if I had four girls at home, three of them my own daughters.
I didn't ever press her to convert to catholicism. I would go to church at the United Methodist church for a while. Sometimes she would go to the Our Lady of Lourdes where we are registered as parishioners. I didn't press the religious issue too much, now I wish I had.
People change, we all do, we just didn't grow and change together. No we grew and we changed, but we grew and changed apart. Our children didn't remain little girls forever. Victoria nad Judith are teenagers and Judith has a part time job now. Stephanie is nine years old but she sure acts like her older sisters and thinks she's a teenager. She's only a nine year old, for now anyway.
I feel as if I'm offering her a sweet enough deal. She can live in the house rent free until the youngest one moves out or she remarries. Just so long as she pays her own bills and doesn't touch my retirement. I'll eat the taxes and insurance and upkeep and such. She's going to have get a job, a real one with benefits, full time hours, and grow up some. As it she's gettin $403.00 and $200.00 every payday in child and spousal support respectively. That's almost half my paycheck and doesn't leave me much to live on. I get all the bills too.
I do get some peace and quiet. I miss my daughters terribly so and the adjustment process hasn't always been easy. It will all be good on the end for each ofus. Just have to get through this and get the divorce finalized.

Splitsville sucks!

Short and sweet sports fans, am getting divorced! Filed for divorce after 17 years of marriage in early december and moved out of my own house on 10dec08. Have been living out of bags and boxes since then. This has to be the single most difficult experience I have ever endured in my life. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. The worst is not being under the same roof with my three daughters.
My whole life has been turned inside out and upside down and my emotions are a storm of I don't know what. I feel sadness, shame, some peace and quiet, some what liberated, distraught, positive, negative. In fact, I really am unable to pinpoint any one feeling since then. My feelings are all relative to a lot of other stuff, people, etc, etc.
My parents are divorced, have been since I was 4, my brother is divorced. Some of our cousins are divorced. I should not be a stranger to it, but one has to go through it to understand it. Many of my coworkers and friends are divorced, so what the fuck? I don't know.
It's not so much the material aspect so much as the human aspect. Firstly, there's my daughters. They are with ther mother and I keep in touch with them via email and cell phone, they're only a short 15 minute drive away. The girls are 16, 15, and 8 about to be 9 years old next month. The teens have their friends and social circles and their own young agendas. My youngest is who I am most concerned for. She's only 8. Thank God children are more reseliant than adults. When I do see her she comes running straight into my arms and tells me she loves daddy. It hurts to let her go.
My routine is all upset except for work. I still go to work and it's almost as if there is some sense of normalcy there. My job is the one thing not really turned inside out. Seems like everything else in my life is. Are all divorces like this? Are there stages like Kubler-Ross and death and dying? I suppose so.
Some of me feels freed, though I'm not really. Some of me feels liberated, but the divorce decree isn't finalized as of this writing. I feel some loss, but mostly I feel let's get it over with so I can get on with the rest of my life.
I suppose I feel hopeful in the sense that I want to hurry up, get the divorce finalized and get on with living. Get on with the recovery is more like it. I liken it to amputating a gangrenous limb. Suffering, getting help, going through the surgery, going through OT/PT, getting on with the healing. So when does the healing start?
The healing starts right here and now. whenever I decide to get my life together. It starts when I decide to heal. It's like Victor Frankel says, "It's not what happens to you in life, but how you deal with it". That's the best way I can put it right now.
Sure my life is topsy turvy, I'm the one who topsy turvied it. Now I and I alone and God must unfuck it. It was my decision to get divorced and now it's my decision to start the recovery process. I started smoking cigarettes again and quit after almost two months, I started working out again, that's a good thing. Started going back to Mass, that's a great thing. One must look on the bright side of life like Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life." in Life of Brian. Have not started drinking to excess, I'm saving that for the post-divorce celebration. More to follow on that later, I go to court next week for the orders.


.

Going Through A lot Of Shit Right Now

Short and sweet, I'm in a world of shit, deep shit. My insides are tore up in a storm of emotions and passions. I'm sad, angry, upset, cheated, really down and that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. At least I'm not suicidal, homicidal, hating or have started drinking. Well the drinking may come later on. My marriage is a wreck. Has been for some time now, years. Every one knew it but me. No, I knew it, I was and am still in some sort of denial. Kubler-Ross said it best, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Well, I'm all fucked up inside and maybe finally being honest with myself for the first time in a lot of years.
Late last month at my daughters therapy appointment, I broke down and cried out for help. I openly asked the therapist if she did marriage counseling. The good therapist that she is, she did some immediate damage control and is now starting to see both Dana and myself individually. Stephanie, our 8 year old is doing well and she was her original patient. Way to go, baby, go to therapy for your ADHD, have your dad break down, cry for help, and cut you loose from therapy. You'll be fine, you're daddy's girl!
Dana has already started individual therapy, I start next week, she goes to a doctor about her issues she's just now addressing and I fear I'm heading for divorce court. You think I'm fucked up now, just wait a month and see how really fucked up I'm going to be in a month or two down the road.
Didn't want to start to therapy but I'm not about to ask Dana to go through with therapy and I not do it myself. As far as I'm concerned, what's good for the goose is good for the gander and I will not ask her to do anything I have not nor will do. The one who I wanted to start therapy, real therapy with is a priest, Fr. Frank, and I am unable to get a hold of him, or to get him to return my calls. Want a lifesaver, a real lifesaver? I know him, he's a fat italian priest in Houston on a harley and he is God's walking talking angel of mercy and a real life rescuer. I know, I'd have been dead years ago if not for him and his counsel. May just have to drive up there to the rectory. I know where he is.
Am unhappy, very unhappy with my marriage. She's not working out of the house, I'm working two jobs, and feel the entire load is on my shoulders alone. For many years have felt that the marriage has not been a true partnership, 50/50, 100%, or any other way you want to cut it. I'm a firm believer in till death do us part and for better or for worse, I really mean it, but I am unable to continue living with this woman.
I don't know what happened, I do know that for many years we have been like prisoners locked up, if we're not fucking, we're fighting; if we're not fighting, we're fucking. I know, I work in a prison. Anyway I am tired of fighting with her, I'm tired of arguing with her all the time, I'm tired of living two separate lives under one roof, of working all the time with no support, of living paycheck to paycheck, of not saving anything. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm ready to live what's left of my life for my children and for me one day. Will have to do something about my children. They're OK but it could be so much better. It's as if I have 4 children in my house. My three daughters and their mother! I'm not going to go there or anymore deep this entry, maybe next month.
Right now I have to unfuck myself and get my shit together. God help me because He's all I feel I really have right now. I am in world of shit. Feel Like I'm at the bottom of a well trying to claw up the sides but I keep sliding down deeper. What the fuck!

Am I Getting Lazy Or Just Older?

I don't know if I'm just down in the dumps, getting lazy, or just getting older. Hell, we're all getting older! Am trying to motivate myself to get up and get shit done but it's always that first step. Taking that first step to get off my ass and get moving. Yard has to get cut, car needs work, need to teach Stephanie to ride a bike, and that's on top of getting things which really have to get done, like working toward my RN, Stephanie's first communion, taekwondo, and such.
Once I do take that first step and get moving, I can move and move like a maniac. I can and have cycle to and from the dojhong, do taekwondo, cut the yard, and such all in one day. I can work like a horse for hours or a day and then crash and recover, all without the use of illicit drugs. I'm aware of how it feels to crash and burn like a druggie only because I'll push myself. Last sunday, I took my two older girls and their friend to the japanese gardens in hermann park in houston in the hot summer heat, then to the menil collection, then I forced the truck home as the temp guage rose, and topped off the day with a barbacue at friends house in galveston. We returned home late that night, I was exhausted, and I chalked up to the heat and not enough water. At least I didn't drink any alcohol at the barbacue, too hot to drink and maybe I was a bit dehydrated. Sure hope I'm not getting to be manic depressive or obsessive compulsive, because that's the way I feel right now.
I should be getting some sleep right now as I type this but Dana wants to go the Mummy 3 opening today and I do have to go to work a 12 hour shift this evening and the yard does need to be cut. Instead I'm cruising the internet, reading the paper, want to go for a run because I see myself getting fat when I look in the mirror. I don't know what kind of shape I'm going to be in for work tonight, hope nothing happens.
In other news it has been an eventful summer. Started off with having to get bifocal galsses, my first. Then a week long cruise to the caribbean, then home for my first dental filling in 20 years. I hope I'm getting all this in proper order, I'll have to consult my calenders and journal. I look around my house and see that it could use a good cleaning.
Good thing I made out bills last night, now just to mail them off. It's beautiful sunny day outside, maybe I can get something done before the movie.

My Very First Ever Jury Duty!

40 years old, registered and voting for some 15 or 20 years and have not ever been called for jury duty. Not once, not ever. Have been dodging the proverbial civic duty bullet for so many years that it was only a matter of time before it would find its mark. Well it hit and hit hard, boring in deep and unable to be surgically removed so to speak. So I go on to jury duty and it's like a fucking family reunion. That's sad, I have to go to the Galveston county court house to see family and friends.
Saw Suzette Cerillo, she's a nurse I used to work with and we just got caught up on old times. She still looks great, flaming red hair and now doing massage on the side. Also saw Alicia Ibarra, we grew up together in Hitchcock and I was at her wedding and her fathers funeral just recently. She drops in on my mom at work alot. She looks great, all of those Salazar girls look great. Talk about classic beauty. I also saw one of the guys from church, his son used to go to Our Lady of Lourdes with my girls. I don't recall his name but I do recall his son as super smart and always being on the honor roll, bringing home A's, and always at the top of the class.
So I call yesterday and find out I have to be there this morning just to be told to go home, no trials this week. Still have to call this evening and find out if I'm going back tomorrow. Why even bother putting little ole me on jury duty, make me drive to Galveston, just to be told to go home. They could have told me that over the phone.
So much for my civic duty, at least it wasn't my ass up there handcuffed in county jail scrubs. There were a full dozen men in the jurors box and two women cuffed together by the bench. The blond one was kind of cute but it was plain to see that she was going through withdrawals from whatever she's hooked on. Anyway more to follow later.

Post-Cruise Blues

We went on a another cruise the first week of June. It was great, my girls all had a great time, Dana lounged by the pool and was pampered. I was just glad to get out of town for a few days. I love to travel when I do and I travel far too infrequent. Must get out of the house more.
We did the Carnival Conquest again to the same ports, Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Cozumel. In Jamaica we bussed out to near Ocho Rios and climbed the world famous Dunns Rivers Falls. We would have done better to go by ourselves and climbed on our own. We climbed up part of a group linked hand in hand. The water is clear, cool, and it really reminded me a lot of the Nueces River outside Uvalde, Texas. Dana bitched and complained every step of the way up but she was so proud of herself upon reaching the top and completing the climb. I'm proud of her too. Stephanie did well also, she's a real trooper and kept up with us all.
The jamaican locals we encountered were all trying to sell something and make a buck, really didn't care for them much. I'm sure the rest of the locals aren't like that, hope not anyway. Would really have loved to have spent some days there exploring and enjoying the island. I did buy a hat with dreadlocks, payed too much for it, $20.00, always wanted one of those. Jamaica really is a paradise, a green jewel rising up out of the Carribbean.
Grand Cayman island is still too expensive to really enjoy for all 5 of us so Victoria, Dana, and Stephanie stayed aboard ship in port and Judith and myself landed and walked about the port close to the landing. I found the local public library and checked my emails. Logging on the internet on ship costs $.75/min so I would log on and quickly check, then log off keeping it to an average of $2.50/day. At the library I learned that Obama clinched the democratic nomination for the upcoming election.
We also visited a church on the waterfront that has a long and rich history on Grand Cayman Island. The roof is built of salvaged wood from ship wrecks and was built by a local shipwright in the shape and style of an inverted boat for structural strength. It's a beautiful piece of workmanship and has weathered nearly a century of hurricanes. They don't make them like that anymore. Visiting churches is a personal favorite of mine, especially the long standing and historically rich churches. This one has memorial plaques in the walls. Two of the local church women welcomed us and offered us cool water. God bless them for their kindness to us travellers as the day was hot. Before Judith and I landed, I took some pictures from the deck of the ship. Judith is growing up so beautiful and she looks more and more like my grandmother. They are some of my favorite pictures of her.
Upon our return, I aired out my brother's house next door and Judith came inside wearing a traditional mexican dress and it was a start how close she resembles my grandmother. She has darker skin than her sisters and her facial features scream out with my grandmother's features. Her demeaner and mannerisms are so much like my grandmather also. I can only imagine my grandmother as a young woman when I look at my Judith.
Cozumel was nice, we took a catamaran out and did some snorkeling and landed on the beach for an hour or so to play and kayak and swim. Judith was kicked in the thigh by a horse. She's OK thank God. That would have really ruined the trip. Stephanie initially did not want to go into the water so I waited for Dana and the girls to go in and explained to Stephanie that she did not have to go under the water as we will. She could just float about the surface in her life vest and observe the coral reef and sea life while floating above. She consented and we entered the water and she was fine. It was great to snorkel again and All my girls were in awe of the sport and the reef and the sealife. This made the whole trip for me and I am still in awe at my girls and their awe. That is one of my greatest pleasures as a father, to watch my children discover and to see the look on their faces.
On the catamaran to the beach and back to the ship the beer and maragitas did flow and I did partake of the goodness. I danced with my girls on the deck and did drink, a lot. It was fun and I can't wait to take my girls out when they come of age. They're real party animals of the same spirit as their father.
The water is so clear and blue there and you can see straight to the seafloor 40- 50ft down and maybe deeper. I am unable to look at the the local green and tan gulf and bay water without thinking it dirty. Especially, after looking at carribbean water.
My girls had a blast and that's all that really matters. Travelling with Dana is either pure bliss or pure hell, no inbetween there. She's complaintive, can be loud and doesn't dance and just lays about by the pool or in her cabin and the ever present book is always there. Sometimes that can be real buzz kill. I did find a space of deck far forward away from the crowds, loud music, lights and everyone. It was great and I would spend hours there with the unobstructed views fore and aft. I have some great pics of the girls on that space of deck and the sunsets. Dana wasn't too impressed and her picture shows it. The stars at night are beautiful there.
Just like the last cruise on the Conquest I'd find my self in the passage way to or from my cabin and able to hear the lovemaking in the cabins through the thin cabin doors. This must be the new thing for me, I'm not actively listening for these sounds but they come through the doors. Then I catch a glimpse of the occupants on the last night of the cruise or as we are all disembarking at the end. My imagination running wild.
Can't wait to go out again, Dana wants to go in 2009, I'd happily wait till 2010. The next time, I'm getting the bacony cabin. I don't care for the crowds and find myself seeking peace and quiet. I think a balcony cabin would really be the ticket.
I don't know when I'll get to travel with my girls like that again. I had the most fun with them, dancing, out about the decks, shopping, out ashore. Travelling with my young ladis as they grow up is fun. They aren't little girls anymore. I would let Victoria and Judith run about the ship with their new found friends and didn't see Judith at dinner except for the first two nights. Victoria would come to dinner because our tablemated have a 17 year old daughter. The two were inseperable the entire time at sea. Victoria and Judith would make it back to the cabin by midnight, then we would watch movies in our cabin. This trip out we watched "Juno". Stephanie was the only one I had to really keep a close eye on. She's only 8 years old, but tries to act as a teen, like her sisters. The only times I really looked for my girls about the ship were just before we left port to go back to sea. Wouldn't want to have left one of mine alone in a tropical paradise.
Now we've been home a couple of weeks and it's back to the same old same old. I feel great and can't wait to go out again. Now to work to save money for the next time out.

Waz Up!

Welcome to the month of May and it has been all of beautiful, busy, exciting, and even sad. A family of friends, who I grew up with when I lived here in my grandfather's house, lost their father. He passed away on Sunday, 04May in the afternoon. The Senor Jose Salazar passed away peacefully at home, in his own house surrounded by his family. Now that's the way to go! That's all that man did, just work and take care of his family. Over the years I have aspired to be like him. He was very old school. Able to fix and repair anything and have a great time. Lived in a house put together by his own hands, surrounded by a beautiful yard and garden, a little spot of paradise in Hitchcock. He knew how to have a good time and was full of nothing but peace, love, and joy, and happiness. If I could be just half as he was, I'll be doing well. He and my grandfather used to work together at Todds shipyard in Galveston. They didn't live but maybe a mile apart, and went to Our lady of Lourdes church. The Senora and my grandmother were great friends and together were active in the Guadalupnas at church. No one, and I mean no one walking this earth, can ever make a homemade flour tortilla like the Senora Salazar. Hot, paper thin, flour tortillas bursting with flavor the size of the plate. I've been trying for over 20 years and I am unable to come close and my tortillas are primo, top of the line, great. Want to taste heaven, munch on her tortillas! As A child I attended Stewart elementary school with the oldest girl, Eva. My brother went to school with the oldest son, Felix. My mother is still good friends with the Senora and calls her "comadre". That's very high praise in our culture and worth more than gold and money. The family commands respect and are humble, hard working folk. I am honored to call them my friends and am saddened by our loss. I am unable to recall the last time I cried, probably when my grandparents passed away, but I cried when I entered the room and saw the Senor lying in peaceful repose. I must admit, it has been some years since we had all gotten together but it was all as if I had just left yesterday. The years had melted away. Few people and friends will ever make me feel as they do. Thank you, Senor, and rest in eternal peace! Interced with God for us down here ever now and again. Continue to inspire me with your spirit joined with my grandparents in heaven.

The same 04may the senor passed away, I attended a zen meditation workshop. My first proper workshop, and like taekwondo, it's something I should have done years ago. It was a great experience and something which I have always wanted to do. There must have been some 25 or so people from all parts of UTMB. The zen master Dae Gek, lead the workshop. I have read and studied about prayer, meditation, and the benefits thereof before. It's time to put away the books and actually put into practice what I've read. The bulk of the workshop was simply about remaining still, focusing on our breathing. So simple yet I walked out relaxed as I have not been in years. The facilitators did mention that little is recalled about what is said in these workshops compared to remembering the actual experience and that is all true. I recall little of what was said but still carry that good feeling inside and about. Can't wait to go back.

My dirty little secret for this month - we do have internet, the monitor is fine, but Dana and the girls think it's down and out. Now I can finally get some internet time to myself. Let's see how long I can go before actually telling them it was just a lose pwer cord behind the monitor that was causing all the problems. Without the computer, there's actually some peace and quiet in the house. No fighting over the computer. Dana and the girls spend the bulk of their time watching tv, playing on the computer, leisure reading, and sleeping and eating and that's about it. I cleaned up the house last week, got tired of living in a pig sty the way they do. I think I'll tell them when we get back from the cruise in june.

So much more to write about, but the day is beautiful outside and I want to get out and do stuff. Won't sit in front of this computer rotting away. More to follow later.

Dad's Home

Dad moved to Rio Ranch, New Mexico some 7 or 8 years ago soon after my grandfather passed on. Now I see him every couple of years. We talk on the phone weekly. It seems he always comes out in the spring, except for one year, he came out in the fall. It also seems he always comes out each year we take a cruise. All the same it's great to see him and to meet Jeri, his girlfriend. She's good and I'm glad they are happy, glad that Dad's happy. Everyone deserves to be happy! My brother, Mark and his girlfriend are out too and it seems this is about as close a family reunion Tony Segura will ever get with his sons until the next wedding or funeral which comes up. It seems the only time my side of the family gets together are weddings and funerals. Dana, my wife and her family get together once or twice every year and every major holiday. In fact, you can find most of her immediate family at her parent's house every sunday! What's up with that? My parents would kill me if I showed up each and every sunday, holidays, and twice annual family reunions. No, better to keep it to only weddings, funerals, an occasional holiday, and a visit here and there. We still call each other almost every weekend and if something pops up. Some families get together all the time and some don't. My side is one of those which doesn't get together all the damn time. Doesn't mean we love less, only we get together a lot less than the others. Maybe we even love each other more? Can't wait to go on that cruise in June!

Spring Is In The Air

It's spring time now, the weather out is beautiful and all I want to do is NOT go to work and have a good time - but the reality is entirely opposite. Lent the kayak out to Brandt so her army buddies can enjoy themselves along with one of my bicycles. I still have my street bike and with gas prices over $3.00/gallon, I'm cycling a lot more. It's one mile to the church, bank, library,post office, and 1.5miles to the grocery store. 2 miles to my insurance guy and 5+/- miles to the walmart and taekwondo dojong. 9.5 miles to work one way so that's about the only time I use the truck. No shower at work either to freshen up after a ride as it used to be for me at Naval Hospital in San Diego. In fact I'm still cycling with the same street bike I bought in San Diego this month or so in 1988!. It's a good bicycle, we've been together a lot of years and I am unable to separate myself from it. Now to get my two older girls to cycle to and from school and to teach my youngest to cycle. If only my wife would get up off her ass and start to bicycle, but she comes up with too many excuses. Must be logging off now and get ready for work. I'm at the library on their computers because mine is down and no money for a new one or repairs. I bicycled here.