My first month post divorce nad the shit has really hit the fan. My two older daughters are having difficulty adjusting and my youngest daughter is adjusting slowly but surely but just fine. My girlfriend loves me, she must because she perceives herself as a punching bag. She really has bitten off the big one with me.
I knew is was going to be like this, just didn't know how bad. Things were actually better when I was just separated. Anyway, one day at a time and a lot of prayer. Now if I can just get some exercise and drop 20-30lbs, I'll be happy.
My situation sucks big time. I'm broke, but not broken. Am not losing weight and am not getting any real exercise either. I did quit smoking though, that's the good news. I'm sure my daughters love me, they're just going through their own shit.
My now ex-wife is being a royal bitch and she looks awful. She's not taking care of herself or my house. She's not working a real job or taking care of the girls. I don't know what to do. Am battle weary but when it comes to my girls, I wish they would move in with me. It's almost as if i still have to do everything and I'm not even living there. god help me, I'm in a world of shit.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Finally Divorced!
Here it is the end of august and I'm just now getting my ass up to blog something. Found out, on 11aug, that my divorce finally went through. Still have to go down to the courthouse in Galveston and get the actual decree but my attorney's office has assured me that the paperwork has gone through, signed by the judge, myself, and now my ex-wife, and now I am legally divorced.
Like any good mexican, I went and got drunk, then went to the cemetery and visited my dead loved ones. I don't know why I did that, it's a bit of a blur still, but that's what I did. My mother and brother came to check on me.
Shouldn't have come as a shock, but it did. I left in december of 2008, it's august 2009 and now I'm actually divorced. Kind of feels different. Eight months to the day I left my now ex-wife and it's all legal now. Why should I feel so odd, out of place? It's not as if I left yesterday or last week. It's a full eight months. I feel I should have been prepared for the actual finalization.
I suppose the combination of eight months, going on living, waiting for the legal bullshit, then capping it off with the inevitable, well it was a bit of a shock. Am I happy? Happiness is relative to a lot of different things. Is this what I wanted? Now that I'm actually divorced, I don't know what I want-never did.
It's not easy to say or answer some questions. My world isn't so black and white, there's a big gray area in some parts of it. Maybe I'm all fucked up? I am in therapy. Maybe I've been traumatized by my marriage and I don't even know it? Maybe I need more help than I think?
Life goes on, I'm living. I'm rolling with the punches. It's not what happens to one in life, but how we deal with it. More to follow later.
Like any good mexican, I went and got drunk, then went to the cemetery and visited my dead loved ones. I don't know why I did that, it's a bit of a blur still, but that's what I did. My mother and brother came to check on me.
Shouldn't have come as a shock, but it did. I left in december of 2008, it's august 2009 and now I'm actually divorced. Kind of feels different. Eight months to the day I left my now ex-wife and it's all legal now. Why should I feel so odd, out of place? It's not as if I left yesterday or last week. It's a full eight months. I feel I should have been prepared for the actual finalization.
I suppose the combination of eight months, going on living, waiting for the legal bullshit, then capping it off with the inevitable, well it was a bit of a shock. Am I happy? Happiness is relative to a lot of different things. Is this what I wanted? Now that I'm actually divorced, I don't know what I want-never did.
It's not easy to say or answer some questions. My world isn't so black and white, there's a big gray area in some parts of it. Maybe I'm all fucked up? I am in therapy. Maybe I've been traumatized by my marriage and I don't even know it? Maybe I need more help than I think?
Life goes on, I'm living. I'm rolling with the punches. It's not what happens to one in life, but how we deal with it. More to follow later.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Most Recent Rants and Ravings
Here it is the middle of July and still no resolution in my divorce. It's been seven months and still no end, this is riduculous! How long does it take? What's the legal bill going to look like? What about my personal state of mind and spirit? What do I have to do to get a little fire under lawyer's ass?
The homefront sucks too with litlle if any money, I'm giving away almost half my check in child support and spousal support. Thank God my pleasures are simple. Wish I had a place of my own to take care of my daughters and myself but that's one of the reasons I stayed mearried for so long; because I couldn't have a place of my own with my girls.
Living with housemates sucks big time. Living with Amy is easy. Her way and mine are very much alike. My housemates are another story. Fortunately for them I love everyone. I just don't like rotting in front of a tv all the time ( like my soon to be ex wife), griping (like my soon to be ex), stress eating ( must change my eating habits!). I live with the people I work with and I keep telling Amy we have to get out and meet new people. Living like a hermit is fine and dandy, I've been doing it for years, but we must get out more.
Started up the taekwondo thing late last month again, it's almost as if I had not ever left. They're good people. The first few return sessions are the hardest. I'm out of practice, but my attitude is good and healthy. Lots of changes on that front also, new people, instructor changes and such. Change is good.
Am trying to get around on the bicycle more and trying to stretch out more and reconnect with family and church. Some days I don't know where to start. Some days seem like way to much to deal with except for just going to work and such. My eating habits suck, my sleep cycles are all off, I'm just a perpetual work in progress. havn't written poetry for a while either. Have the itch but am just scratching it. Must scratch harder!
The homefront sucks too with litlle if any money, I'm giving away almost half my check in child support and spousal support. Thank God my pleasures are simple. Wish I had a place of my own to take care of my daughters and myself but that's one of the reasons I stayed mearried for so long; because I couldn't have a place of my own with my girls.
Living with housemates sucks big time. Living with Amy is easy. Her way and mine are very much alike. My housemates are another story. Fortunately for them I love everyone. I just don't like rotting in front of a tv all the time ( like my soon to be ex wife), griping (like my soon to be ex), stress eating ( must change my eating habits!). I live with the people I work with and I keep telling Amy we have to get out and meet new people. Living like a hermit is fine and dandy, I've been doing it for years, but we must get out more.
Started up the taekwondo thing late last month again, it's almost as if I had not ever left. They're good people. The first few return sessions are the hardest. I'm out of practice, but my attitude is good and healthy. Lots of changes on that front also, new people, instructor changes and such. Change is good.
Am trying to get around on the bicycle more and trying to stretch out more and reconnect with family and church. Some days I don't know where to start. Some days seem like way to much to deal with except for just going to work and such. My eating habits suck, my sleep cycles are all off, I'm just a perpetual work in progress. havn't written poetry for a while either. Have the itch but am just scratching it. Must scratch harder!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Almost At An Agreement
Has been months since I've made any sort of an entry. The divorce drama goes on. I would not wish this experience upon anyone, not my worse enemy. This is by far the most painful and emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically draining experience I have ever gone through. It is a cruel exercise in endurance and character and whatever else makes one up. It tears ones life apart and upside down and inside out. It's a pure hell on earth and invades every fiber of ones being.
The attornies banter back and forth and don't move quick enough. It seems that this should be a cut and dry affair. I am not a financially wealthy man. I do not have great tracts of land or mansions or new vehicles or any such. I have a lot of bills, debt, my personal possessions, and the trauma of my 17 year marriage. I feel like an abused pet which has just been let in from the wet and cold.
For the first time in many years I am being treated well. Too bad I had to leave my home, tear apart my family, and break my heart and hers. Too bad, but one does have to go through the desert before reaching the promised land. I am sorry for staying married for so long. I am sorry for being the man who I was at times. I am no angel, I am not the best of men, I can be difficult to love and more difficult to live with.
I admit my shortcomings and accept them as mine and mine alone. But it's not all my fault. far from it. Marriage should be a partnership and the love and labors and wealth shared. I feel that, in my marriage, it was me who bore the brunt of the load. Sure she did the dishes and laundry and put up with my shit, but she rarely lifted a finger to help bring in the bacon. Sure she chauffered the girls around, but didn't support us as a family unit. No, I did that, I went the extra mile and then some.
I did the yard, took care of the house, the vehicles, paid the bills took the family on vacations, worked full time and sometimes two jobs, and was both mom and dad to our daughters. I was the one who made sure Victoria went to physical therapy and that Judith went to speech therapy. I was the one who made sure all three girls were registered in school and even had them in catholic school for a while. Try doing that on a single paycheck.
Sure I'm indebted and grateful to my parents and in-laws and grandparents, there's no way I would have done it on my own. Sure didn't get a lot of help from my then wife. It's almost as if I had four girls at home, three of them my own daughters.
I didn't ever press her to convert to catholicism. I would go to church at the United Methodist church for a while. Sometimes she would go to the Our Lady of Lourdes where we are registered as parishioners. I didn't press the religious issue too much, now I wish I had.
People change, we all do, we just didn't grow and change together. No we grew and we changed, but we grew and changed apart. Our children didn't remain little girls forever. Victoria nad Judith are teenagers and Judith has a part time job now. Stephanie is nine years old but she sure acts like her older sisters and thinks she's a teenager. She's only a nine year old, for now anyway.
I feel as if I'm offering her a sweet enough deal. She can live in the house rent free until the youngest one moves out or she remarries. Just so long as she pays her own bills and doesn't touch my retirement. I'll eat the taxes and insurance and upkeep and such. She's going to have get a job, a real one with benefits, full time hours, and grow up some. As it she's gettin $403.00 and $200.00 every payday in child and spousal support respectively. That's almost half my paycheck and doesn't leave me much to live on. I get all the bills too.
I do get some peace and quiet. I miss my daughters terribly so and the adjustment process hasn't always been easy. It will all be good on the end for each ofus. Just have to get through this and get the divorce finalized.
The attornies banter back and forth and don't move quick enough. It seems that this should be a cut and dry affair. I am not a financially wealthy man. I do not have great tracts of land or mansions or new vehicles or any such. I have a lot of bills, debt, my personal possessions, and the trauma of my 17 year marriage. I feel like an abused pet which has just been let in from the wet and cold.
For the first time in many years I am being treated well. Too bad I had to leave my home, tear apart my family, and break my heart and hers. Too bad, but one does have to go through the desert before reaching the promised land. I am sorry for staying married for so long. I am sorry for being the man who I was at times. I am no angel, I am not the best of men, I can be difficult to love and more difficult to live with.
I admit my shortcomings and accept them as mine and mine alone. But it's not all my fault. far from it. Marriage should be a partnership and the love and labors and wealth shared. I feel that, in my marriage, it was me who bore the brunt of the load. Sure she did the dishes and laundry and put up with my shit, but she rarely lifted a finger to help bring in the bacon. Sure she chauffered the girls around, but didn't support us as a family unit. No, I did that, I went the extra mile and then some.
I did the yard, took care of the house, the vehicles, paid the bills took the family on vacations, worked full time and sometimes two jobs, and was both mom and dad to our daughters. I was the one who made sure Victoria went to physical therapy and that Judith went to speech therapy. I was the one who made sure all three girls were registered in school and even had them in catholic school for a while. Try doing that on a single paycheck.
Sure I'm indebted and grateful to my parents and in-laws and grandparents, there's no way I would have done it on my own. Sure didn't get a lot of help from my then wife. It's almost as if I had four girls at home, three of them my own daughters.
I didn't ever press her to convert to catholicism. I would go to church at the United Methodist church for a while. Sometimes she would go to the Our Lady of Lourdes where we are registered as parishioners. I didn't press the religious issue too much, now I wish I had.
People change, we all do, we just didn't grow and change together. No we grew and we changed, but we grew and changed apart. Our children didn't remain little girls forever. Victoria nad Judith are teenagers and Judith has a part time job now. Stephanie is nine years old but she sure acts like her older sisters and thinks she's a teenager. She's only a nine year old, for now anyway.
I feel as if I'm offering her a sweet enough deal. She can live in the house rent free until the youngest one moves out or she remarries. Just so long as she pays her own bills and doesn't touch my retirement. I'll eat the taxes and insurance and upkeep and such. She's going to have get a job, a real one with benefits, full time hours, and grow up some. As it she's gettin $403.00 and $200.00 every payday in child and spousal support respectively. That's almost half my paycheck and doesn't leave me much to live on. I get all the bills too.
I do get some peace and quiet. I miss my daughters terribly so and the adjustment process hasn't always been easy. It will all be good on the end for each ofus. Just have to get through this and get the divorce finalized.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Splitsville sucks!
Short and sweet sports fans, am getting divorced! Filed for divorce after 17 years of marriage in early december and moved out of my own house on 10dec08. Have been living out of bags and boxes since then. This has to be the single most difficult experience I have ever endured in my life. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. The worst is not being under the same roof with my three daughters.
My whole life has been turned inside out and upside down and my emotions are a storm of I don't know what. I feel sadness, shame, some peace and quiet, some what liberated, distraught, positive, negative. In fact, I really am unable to pinpoint any one feeling since then. My feelings are all relative to a lot of other stuff, people, etc, etc.
My parents are divorced, have been since I was 4, my brother is divorced. Some of our cousins are divorced. I should not be a stranger to it, but one has to go through it to understand it. Many of my coworkers and friends are divorced, so what the fuck? I don't know.
It's not so much the material aspect so much as the human aspect. Firstly, there's my daughters. They are with ther mother and I keep in touch with them via email and cell phone, they're only a short 15 minute drive away. The girls are 16, 15, and 8 about to be 9 years old next month. The teens have their friends and social circles and their own young agendas. My youngest is who I am most concerned for. She's only 8. Thank God children are more reseliant than adults. When I do see her she comes running straight into my arms and tells me she loves daddy. It hurts to let her go.
My routine is all upset except for work. I still go to work and it's almost as if there is some sense of normalcy there. My job is the one thing not really turned inside out. Seems like everything else in my life is. Are all divorces like this? Are there stages like Kubler-Ross and death and dying? I suppose so.
Some of me feels freed, though I'm not really. Some of me feels liberated, but the divorce decree isn't finalized as of this writing. I feel some loss, but mostly I feel let's get it over with so I can get on with the rest of my life.
I suppose I feel hopeful in the sense that I want to hurry up, get the divorce finalized and get on with living. Get on with the recovery is more like it. I liken it to amputating a gangrenous limb. Suffering, getting help, going through the surgery, going through OT/PT, getting on with the healing. So when does the healing start?
The healing starts right here and now. whenever I decide to get my life together. It starts when I decide to heal. It's like Victor Frankel says, "It's not what happens to you in life, but how you deal with it". That's the best way I can put it right now.
Sure my life is topsy turvy, I'm the one who topsy turvied it. Now I and I alone and God must unfuck it. It was my decision to get divorced and now it's my decision to start the recovery process. I started smoking cigarettes again and quit after almost two months, I started working out again, that's a good thing. Started going back to Mass, that's a great thing. One must look on the bright side of life like Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life." in Life of Brian. Have not started drinking to excess, I'm saving that for the post-divorce celebration. More to follow on that later, I go to court next week for the orders.
.
My whole life has been turned inside out and upside down and my emotions are a storm of I don't know what. I feel sadness, shame, some peace and quiet, some what liberated, distraught, positive, negative. In fact, I really am unable to pinpoint any one feeling since then. My feelings are all relative to a lot of other stuff, people, etc, etc.
My parents are divorced, have been since I was 4, my brother is divorced. Some of our cousins are divorced. I should not be a stranger to it, but one has to go through it to understand it. Many of my coworkers and friends are divorced, so what the fuck? I don't know.
It's not so much the material aspect so much as the human aspect. Firstly, there's my daughters. They are with ther mother and I keep in touch with them via email and cell phone, they're only a short 15 minute drive away. The girls are 16, 15, and 8 about to be 9 years old next month. The teens have their friends and social circles and their own young agendas. My youngest is who I am most concerned for. She's only 8. Thank God children are more reseliant than adults. When I do see her she comes running straight into my arms and tells me she loves daddy. It hurts to let her go.
My routine is all upset except for work. I still go to work and it's almost as if there is some sense of normalcy there. My job is the one thing not really turned inside out. Seems like everything else in my life is. Are all divorces like this? Are there stages like Kubler-Ross and death and dying? I suppose so.
Some of me feels freed, though I'm not really. Some of me feels liberated, but the divorce decree isn't finalized as of this writing. I feel some loss, but mostly I feel let's get it over with so I can get on with the rest of my life.
I suppose I feel hopeful in the sense that I want to hurry up, get the divorce finalized and get on with living. Get on with the recovery is more like it. I liken it to amputating a gangrenous limb. Suffering, getting help, going through the surgery, going through OT/PT, getting on with the healing. So when does the healing start?
The healing starts right here and now. whenever I decide to get my life together. It starts when I decide to heal. It's like Victor Frankel says, "It's not what happens to you in life, but how you deal with it". That's the best way I can put it right now.
Sure my life is topsy turvy, I'm the one who topsy turvied it. Now I and I alone and God must unfuck it. It was my decision to get divorced and now it's my decision to start the recovery process. I started smoking cigarettes again and quit after almost two months, I started working out again, that's a good thing. Started going back to Mass, that's a great thing. One must look on the bright side of life like Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life." in Life of Brian. Have not started drinking to excess, I'm saving that for the post-divorce celebration. More to follow on that later, I go to court next week for the orders.
.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Going Through A lot Of Shit Right Now
Short and sweet, I'm in a world of shit, deep shit. My insides are tore up in a storm of emotions and passions. I'm sad, angry, upset, cheated, really down and that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. At least I'm not suicidal, homicidal, hating or have started drinking. Well the drinking may come later on. My marriage is a wreck. Has been for some time now, years. Every one knew it but me. No, I knew it, I was and am still in some sort of denial. Kubler-Ross said it best, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Well, I'm all fucked up inside and maybe finally being honest with myself for the first time in a lot of years.
Late last month at my daughters therapy appointment, I broke down and cried out for help. I openly asked the therapist if she did marriage counseling. The good therapist that she is, she did some immediate damage control and is now starting to see both Dana and myself individually. Stephanie, our 8 year old is doing well and she was her original patient. Way to go, baby, go to therapy for your ADHD, have your dad break down, cry for help, and cut you loose from therapy. You'll be fine, you're daddy's girl!
Dana has already started individual therapy, I start next week, she goes to a doctor about her issues she's just now addressing and I fear I'm heading for divorce court. You think I'm fucked up now, just wait a month and see how really fucked up I'm going to be in a month or two down the road.
Didn't want to start to therapy but I'm not about to ask Dana to go through with therapy and I not do it myself. As far as I'm concerned, what's good for the goose is good for the gander and I will not ask her to do anything I have not nor will do. The one who I wanted to start therapy, real therapy with is a priest, Fr. Frank, and I am unable to get a hold of him, or to get him to return my calls. Want a lifesaver, a real lifesaver? I know him, he's a fat italian priest in Houston on a harley and he is God's walking talking angel of mercy and a real life rescuer. I know, I'd have been dead years ago if not for him and his counsel. May just have to drive up there to the rectory. I know where he is.
Am unhappy, very unhappy with my marriage. She's not working out of the house, I'm working two jobs, and feel the entire load is on my shoulders alone. For many years have felt that the marriage has not been a true partnership, 50/50, 100%, or any other way you want to cut it. I'm a firm believer in till death do us part and for better or for worse, I really mean it, but I am unable to continue living with this woman.
I don't know what happened, I do know that for many years we have been like prisoners locked up, if we're not fucking, we're fighting; if we're not fighting, we're fucking. I know, I work in a prison. Anyway I am tired of fighting with her, I'm tired of arguing with her all the time, I'm tired of living two separate lives under one roof, of working all the time with no support, of living paycheck to paycheck, of not saving anything. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm ready to live what's left of my life for my children and for me one day. Will have to do something about my children. They're OK but it could be so much better. It's as if I have 4 children in my house. My three daughters and their mother! I'm not going to go there or anymore deep this entry, maybe next month.
Right now I have to unfuck myself and get my shit together. God help me because He's all I feel I really have right now. I am in world of shit. Feel Like I'm at the bottom of a well trying to claw up the sides but I keep sliding down deeper. What the fuck!
Late last month at my daughters therapy appointment, I broke down and cried out for help. I openly asked the therapist if she did marriage counseling. The good therapist that she is, she did some immediate damage control and is now starting to see both Dana and myself individually. Stephanie, our 8 year old is doing well and she was her original patient. Way to go, baby, go to therapy for your ADHD, have your dad break down, cry for help, and cut you loose from therapy. You'll be fine, you're daddy's girl!
Dana has already started individual therapy, I start next week, she goes to a doctor about her issues she's just now addressing and I fear I'm heading for divorce court. You think I'm fucked up now, just wait a month and see how really fucked up I'm going to be in a month or two down the road.
Didn't want to start to therapy but I'm not about to ask Dana to go through with therapy and I not do it myself. As far as I'm concerned, what's good for the goose is good for the gander and I will not ask her to do anything I have not nor will do. The one who I wanted to start therapy, real therapy with is a priest, Fr. Frank, and I am unable to get a hold of him, or to get him to return my calls. Want a lifesaver, a real lifesaver? I know him, he's a fat italian priest in Houston on a harley and he is God's walking talking angel of mercy and a real life rescuer. I know, I'd have been dead years ago if not for him and his counsel. May just have to drive up there to the rectory. I know where he is.
Am unhappy, very unhappy with my marriage. She's not working out of the house, I'm working two jobs, and feel the entire load is on my shoulders alone. For many years have felt that the marriage has not been a true partnership, 50/50, 100%, or any other way you want to cut it. I'm a firm believer in till death do us part and for better or for worse, I really mean it, but I am unable to continue living with this woman.
I don't know what happened, I do know that for many years we have been like prisoners locked up, if we're not fucking, we're fighting; if we're not fighting, we're fucking. I know, I work in a prison. Anyway I am tired of fighting with her, I'm tired of arguing with her all the time, I'm tired of living two separate lives under one roof, of working all the time with no support, of living paycheck to paycheck, of not saving anything. I'm tired of being tired.
I'm ready to live what's left of my life for my children and for me one day. Will have to do something about my children. They're OK but it could be so much better. It's as if I have 4 children in my house. My three daughters and their mother! I'm not going to go there or anymore deep this entry, maybe next month.
Right now I have to unfuck myself and get my shit together. God help me because He's all I feel I really have right now. I am in world of shit. Feel Like I'm at the bottom of a well trying to claw up the sides but I keep sliding down deeper. What the fuck!
Friday, August 01, 2008
Am I Getting Lazy Or Just Older?
I don't know if I'm just down in the dumps, getting lazy, or just getting older. Hell, we're all getting older! Am trying to motivate myself to get up and get shit done but it's always that first step. Taking that first step to get off my ass and get moving. Yard has to get cut, car needs work, need to teach Stephanie to ride a bike, and that's on top of getting things which really have to get done, like working toward my RN, Stephanie's first communion, taekwondo, and such.
Once I do take that first step and get moving, I can move and move like a maniac. I can and have cycle to and from the dojhong, do taekwondo, cut the yard, and such all in one day. I can work like a horse for hours or a day and then crash and recover, all without the use of illicit drugs. I'm aware of how it feels to crash and burn like a druggie only because I'll push myself. Last sunday, I took my two older girls and their friend to the japanese gardens in hermann park in houston in the hot summer heat, then to the menil collection, then I forced the truck home as the temp guage rose, and topped off the day with a barbacue at friends house in galveston. We returned home late that night, I was exhausted, and I chalked up to the heat and not enough water. At least I didn't drink any alcohol at the barbacue, too hot to drink and maybe I was a bit dehydrated. Sure hope I'm not getting to be manic depressive or obsessive compulsive, because that's the way I feel right now.
I should be getting some sleep right now as I type this but Dana wants to go the Mummy 3 opening today and I do have to go to work a 12 hour shift this evening and the yard does need to be cut. Instead I'm cruising the internet, reading the paper, want to go for a run because I see myself getting fat when I look in the mirror. I don't know what kind of shape I'm going to be in for work tonight, hope nothing happens.
In other news it has been an eventful summer. Started off with having to get bifocal galsses, my first. Then a week long cruise to the caribbean, then home for my first dental filling in 20 years. I hope I'm getting all this in proper order, I'll have to consult my calenders and journal. I look around my house and see that it could use a good cleaning.
Good thing I made out bills last night, now just to mail them off. It's beautiful sunny day outside, maybe I can get something done before the movie.
Once I do take that first step and get moving, I can move and move like a maniac. I can and have cycle to and from the dojhong, do taekwondo, cut the yard, and such all in one day. I can work like a horse for hours or a day and then crash and recover, all without the use of illicit drugs. I'm aware of how it feels to crash and burn like a druggie only because I'll push myself. Last sunday, I took my two older girls and their friend to the japanese gardens in hermann park in houston in the hot summer heat, then to the menil collection, then I forced the truck home as the temp guage rose, and topped off the day with a barbacue at friends house in galveston. We returned home late that night, I was exhausted, and I chalked up to the heat and not enough water. At least I didn't drink any alcohol at the barbacue, too hot to drink and maybe I was a bit dehydrated. Sure hope I'm not getting to be manic depressive or obsessive compulsive, because that's the way I feel right now.
I should be getting some sleep right now as I type this but Dana wants to go the Mummy 3 opening today and I do have to go to work a 12 hour shift this evening and the yard does need to be cut. Instead I'm cruising the internet, reading the paper, want to go for a run because I see myself getting fat when I look in the mirror. I don't know what kind of shape I'm going to be in for work tonight, hope nothing happens.
In other news it has been an eventful summer. Started off with having to get bifocal galsses, my first. Then a week long cruise to the caribbean, then home for my first dental filling in 20 years. I hope I'm getting all this in proper order, I'll have to consult my calenders and journal. I look around my house and see that it could use a good cleaning.
Good thing I made out bills last night, now just to mail them off. It's beautiful sunny day outside, maybe I can get something done before the movie.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
My Very First Ever Jury Duty!
40 years old, registered and voting for some 15 or 20 years and have not ever been called for jury duty. Not once, not ever. Have been dodging the proverbial civic duty bullet for so many years that it was only a matter of time before it would find its mark. Well it hit and hit hard, boring in deep and unable to be surgically removed so to speak. So I go on to jury duty and it's like a fucking family reunion. That's sad, I have to go to the Galveston county court house to see family and friends.
Saw Suzette Cerillo, she's a nurse I used to work with and we just got caught up on old times. She still looks great, flaming red hair and now doing massage on the side. Also saw Alicia Ibarra, we grew up together in Hitchcock and I was at her wedding and her fathers funeral just recently. She drops in on my mom at work alot. She looks great, all of those Salazar girls look great. Talk about classic beauty. I also saw one of the guys from church, his son used to go to Our Lady of Lourdes with my girls. I don't recall his name but I do recall his son as super smart and always being on the honor roll, bringing home A's, and always at the top of the class.
So I call yesterday and find out I have to be there this morning just to be told to go home, no trials this week. Still have to call this evening and find out if I'm going back tomorrow. Why even bother putting little ole me on jury duty, make me drive to Galveston, just to be told to go home. They could have told me that over the phone.
So much for my civic duty, at least it wasn't my ass up there handcuffed in county jail scrubs. There were a full dozen men in the jurors box and two women cuffed together by the bench. The blond one was kind of cute but it was plain to see that she was going through withdrawals from whatever she's hooked on. Anyway more to follow later.
Saw Suzette Cerillo, she's a nurse I used to work with and we just got caught up on old times. She still looks great, flaming red hair and now doing massage on the side. Also saw Alicia Ibarra, we grew up together in Hitchcock and I was at her wedding and her fathers funeral just recently. She drops in on my mom at work alot. She looks great, all of those Salazar girls look great. Talk about classic beauty. I also saw one of the guys from church, his son used to go to Our Lady of Lourdes with my girls. I don't recall his name but I do recall his son as super smart and always being on the honor roll, bringing home A's, and always at the top of the class.
So I call yesterday and find out I have to be there this morning just to be told to go home, no trials this week. Still have to call this evening and find out if I'm going back tomorrow. Why even bother putting little ole me on jury duty, make me drive to Galveston, just to be told to go home. They could have told me that over the phone.
So much for my civic duty, at least it wasn't my ass up there handcuffed in county jail scrubs. There were a full dozen men in the jurors box and two women cuffed together by the bench. The blond one was kind of cute but it was plain to see that she was going through withdrawals from whatever she's hooked on. Anyway more to follow later.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Post-Cruise Blues
We went on a another cruise the first week of June. It was great, my girls all had a great time, Dana lounged by the pool and was pampered. I was just glad to get out of town for a few days. I love to travel when I do and I travel far too infrequent. Must get out of the house more.
We did the Carnival Conquest again to the same ports, Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Cozumel. In Jamaica we bussed out to near Ocho Rios and climbed the world famous Dunns Rivers Falls. We would have done better to go by ourselves and climbed on our own. We climbed up part of a group linked hand in hand. The water is clear, cool, and it really reminded me a lot of the Nueces River outside Uvalde, Texas. Dana bitched and complained every step of the way up but she was so proud of herself upon reaching the top and completing the climb. I'm proud of her too. Stephanie did well also, she's a real trooper and kept up with us all.
The jamaican locals we encountered were all trying to sell something and make a buck, really didn't care for them much. I'm sure the rest of the locals aren't like that, hope not anyway. Would really have loved to have spent some days there exploring and enjoying the island. I did buy a hat with dreadlocks, payed too much for it, $20.00, always wanted one of those. Jamaica really is a paradise, a green jewel rising up out of the Carribbean.
Grand Cayman island is still too expensive to really enjoy for all 5 of us so Victoria, Dana, and Stephanie stayed aboard ship in port and Judith and myself landed and walked about the port close to the landing. I found the local public library and checked my emails. Logging on the internet on ship costs $.75/min so I would log on and quickly check, then log off keeping it to an average of $2.50/day. At the library I learned that Obama clinched the democratic nomination for the upcoming election.
We also visited a church on the waterfront that has a long and rich history on Grand Cayman Island. The roof is built of salvaged wood from ship wrecks and was built by a local shipwright in the shape and style of an inverted boat for structural strength. It's a beautiful piece of workmanship and has weathered nearly a century of hurricanes. They don't make them like that anymore. Visiting churches is a personal favorite of mine, especially the long standing and historically rich churches. This one has memorial plaques in the walls. Two of the local church women welcomed us and offered us cool water. God bless them for their kindness to us travellers as the day was hot. Before Judith and I landed, I took some pictures from the deck of the ship. Judith is growing up so beautiful and she looks more and more like my grandmother. They are some of my favorite pictures of her.
Upon our return, I aired out my brother's house next door and Judith came inside wearing a traditional mexican dress and it was a start how close she resembles my grandmother. She has darker skin than her sisters and her facial features scream out with my grandmother's features. Her demeaner and mannerisms are so much like my grandmather also. I can only imagine my grandmother as a young woman when I look at my Judith.
Cozumel was nice, we took a catamaran out and did some snorkeling and landed on the beach for an hour or so to play and kayak and swim. Judith was kicked in the thigh by a horse. She's OK thank God. That would have really ruined the trip. Stephanie initially did not want to go into the water so I waited for Dana and the girls to go in and explained to Stephanie that she did not have to go under the water as we will. She could just float about the surface in her life vest and observe the coral reef and sea life while floating above. She consented and we entered the water and she was fine. It was great to snorkel again and All my girls were in awe of the sport and the reef and the sealife. This made the whole trip for me and I am still in awe at my girls and their awe. That is one of my greatest pleasures as a father, to watch my children discover and to see the look on their faces.
On the catamaran to the beach and back to the ship the beer and maragitas did flow and I did partake of the goodness. I danced with my girls on the deck and did drink, a lot. It was fun and I can't wait to take my girls out when they come of age. They're real party animals of the same spirit as their father.
The water is so clear and blue there and you can see straight to the seafloor 40- 50ft down and maybe deeper. I am unable to look at the the local green and tan gulf and bay water without thinking it dirty. Especially, after looking at carribbean water.
My girls had a blast and that's all that really matters. Travelling with Dana is either pure bliss or pure hell, no inbetween there. She's complaintive, can be loud and doesn't dance and just lays about by the pool or in her cabin and the ever present book is always there. Sometimes that can be real buzz kill. I did find a space of deck far forward away from the crowds, loud music, lights and everyone. It was great and I would spend hours there with the unobstructed views fore and aft. I have some great pics of the girls on that space of deck and the sunsets. Dana wasn't too impressed and her picture shows it. The stars at night are beautiful there.
Just like the last cruise on the Conquest I'd find my self in the passage way to or from my cabin and able to hear the lovemaking in the cabins through the thin cabin doors. This must be the new thing for me, I'm not actively listening for these sounds but they come through the doors. Then I catch a glimpse of the occupants on the last night of the cruise or as we are all disembarking at the end. My imagination running wild.
Can't wait to go out again, Dana wants to go in 2009, I'd happily wait till 2010. The next time, I'm getting the bacony cabin. I don't care for the crowds and find myself seeking peace and quiet. I think a balcony cabin would really be the ticket.
I don't know when I'll get to travel with my girls like that again. I had the most fun with them, dancing, out about the decks, shopping, out ashore. Travelling with my young ladis as they grow up is fun. They aren't little girls anymore. I would let Victoria and Judith run about the ship with their new found friends and didn't see Judith at dinner except for the first two nights. Victoria would come to dinner because our tablemated have a 17 year old daughter. The two were inseperable the entire time at sea. Victoria and Judith would make it back to the cabin by midnight, then we would watch movies in our cabin. This trip out we watched "Juno". Stephanie was the only one I had to really keep a close eye on. She's only 8 years old, but tries to act as a teen, like her sisters. The only times I really looked for my girls about the ship were just before we left port to go back to sea. Wouldn't want to have left one of mine alone in a tropical paradise.
Now we've been home a couple of weeks and it's back to the same old same old. I feel great and can't wait to go out again. Now to work to save money for the next time out.
We did the Carnival Conquest again to the same ports, Jamaica, Grand Cayman and Cozumel. In Jamaica we bussed out to near Ocho Rios and climbed the world famous Dunns Rivers Falls. We would have done better to go by ourselves and climbed on our own. We climbed up part of a group linked hand in hand. The water is clear, cool, and it really reminded me a lot of the Nueces River outside Uvalde, Texas. Dana bitched and complained every step of the way up but she was so proud of herself upon reaching the top and completing the climb. I'm proud of her too. Stephanie did well also, she's a real trooper and kept up with us all.
The jamaican locals we encountered were all trying to sell something and make a buck, really didn't care for them much. I'm sure the rest of the locals aren't like that, hope not anyway. Would really have loved to have spent some days there exploring and enjoying the island. I did buy a hat with dreadlocks, payed too much for it, $20.00, always wanted one of those. Jamaica really is a paradise, a green jewel rising up out of the Carribbean.
Grand Cayman island is still too expensive to really enjoy for all 5 of us so Victoria, Dana, and Stephanie stayed aboard ship in port and Judith and myself landed and walked about the port close to the landing. I found the local public library and checked my emails. Logging on the internet on ship costs $.75/min so I would log on and quickly check, then log off keeping it to an average of $2.50/day. At the library I learned that Obama clinched the democratic nomination for the upcoming election.
We also visited a church on the waterfront that has a long and rich history on Grand Cayman Island. The roof is built of salvaged wood from ship wrecks and was built by a local shipwright in the shape and style of an inverted boat for structural strength. It's a beautiful piece of workmanship and has weathered nearly a century of hurricanes. They don't make them like that anymore. Visiting churches is a personal favorite of mine, especially the long standing and historically rich churches. This one has memorial plaques in the walls. Two of the local church women welcomed us and offered us cool water. God bless them for their kindness to us travellers as the day was hot. Before Judith and I landed, I took some pictures from the deck of the ship. Judith is growing up so beautiful and she looks more and more like my grandmother. They are some of my favorite pictures of her.
Upon our return, I aired out my brother's house next door and Judith came inside wearing a traditional mexican dress and it was a start how close she resembles my grandmother. She has darker skin than her sisters and her facial features scream out with my grandmother's features. Her demeaner and mannerisms are so much like my grandmather also. I can only imagine my grandmother as a young woman when I look at my Judith.
Cozumel was nice, we took a catamaran out and did some snorkeling and landed on the beach for an hour or so to play and kayak and swim. Judith was kicked in the thigh by a horse. She's OK thank God. That would have really ruined the trip. Stephanie initially did not want to go into the water so I waited for Dana and the girls to go in and explained to Stephanie that she did not have to go under the water as we will. She could just float about the surface in her life vest and observe the coral reef and sea life while floating above. She consented and we entered the water and she was fine. It was great to snorkel again and All my girls were in awe of the sport and the reef and the sealife. This made the whole trip for me and I am still in awe at my girls and their awe. That is one of my greatest pleasures as a father, to watch my children discover and to see the look on their faces.
On the catamaran to the beach and back to the ship the beer and maragitas did flow and I did partake of the goodness. I danced with my girls on the deck and did drink, a lot. It was fun and I can't wait to take my girls out when they come of age. They're real party animals of the same spirit as their father.
The water is so clear and blue there and you can see straight to the seafloor 40- 50ft down and maybe deeper. I am unable to look at the the local green and tan gulf and bay water without thinking it dirty. Especially, after looking at carribbean water.
My girls had a blast and that's all that really matters. Travelling with Dana is either pure bliss or pure hell, no inbetween there. She's complaintive, can be loud and doesn't dance and just lays about by the pool or in her cabin and the ever present book is always there. Sometimes that can be real buzz kill. I did find a space of deck far forward away from the crowds, loud music, lights and everyone. It was great and I would spend hours there with the unobstructed views fore and aft. I have some great pics of the girls on that space of deck and the sunsets. Dana wasn't too impressed and her picture shows it. The stars at night are beautiful there.
Just like the last cruise on the Conquest I'd find my self in the passage way to or from my cabin and able to hear the lovemaking in the cabins through the thin cabin doors. This must be the new thing for me, I'm not actively listening for these sounds but they come through the doors. Then I catch a glimpse of the occupants on the last night of the cruise or as we are all disembarking at the end. My imagination running wild.
Can't wait to go out again, Dana wants to go in 2009, I'd happily wait till 2010. The next time, I'm getting the bacony cabin. I don't care for the crowds and find myself seeking peace and quiet. I think a balcony cabin would really be the ticket.
I don't know when I'll get to travel with my girls like that again. I had the most fun with them, dancing, out about the decks, shopping, out ashore. Travelling with my young ladis as they grow up is fun. They aren't little girls anymore. I would let Victoria and Judith run about the ship with their new found friends and didn't see Judith at dinner except for the first two nights. Victoria would come to dinner because our tablemated have a 17 year old daughter. The two were inseperable the entire time at sea. Victoria and Judith would make it back to the cabin by midnight, then we would watch movies in our cabin. This trip out we watched "Juno". Stephanie was the only one I had to really keep a close eye on. She's only 8 years old, but tries to act as a teen, like her sisters. The only times I really looked for my girls about the ship were just before we left port to go back to sea. Wouldn't want to have left one of mine alone in a tropical paradise.
Now we've been home a couple of weeks and it's back to the same old same old. I feel great and can't wait to go out again. Now to work to save money for the next time out.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Waz Up!
Welcome to the month of May and it has been all of beautiful, busy, exciting, and even sad. A family of friends, who I grew up with when I lived here in my grandfather's house, lost their father. He passed away on Sunday, 04May in the afternoon. The Senor Jose Salazar passed away peacefully at home, in his own house surrounded by his family. Now that's the way to go! That's all that man did, just work and take care of his family. Over the years I have aspired to be like him. He was very old school. Able to fix and repair anything and have a great time. Lived in a house put together by his own hands, surrounded by a beautiful yard and garden, a little spot of paradise in Hitchcock. He knew how to have a good time and was full of nothing but peace, love, and joy, and happiness. If I could be just half as he was, I'll be doing well. He and my grandfather used to work together at Todds shipyard in Galveston. They didn't live but maybe a mile apart, and went to Our lady of Lourdes church. The Senora and my grandmother were great friends and together were active in the Guadalupnas at church. No one, and I mean no one walking this earth, can ever make a homemade flour tortilla like the Senora Salazar. Hot, paper thin, flour tortillas bursting with flavor the size of the plate. I've been trying for over 20 years and I am unable to come close and my tortillas are primo, top of the line, great. Want to taste heaven, munch on her tortillas! As A child I attended Stewart elementary school with the oldest girl, Eva. My brother went to school with the oldest son, Felix. My mother is still good friends with the Senora and calls her "comadre". That's very high praise in our culture and worth more than gold and money. The family commands respect and are humble, hard working folk. I am honored to call them my friends and am saddened by our loss. I am unable to recall the last time I cried, probably when my grandparents passed away, but I cried when I entered the room and saw the Senor lying in peaceful repose. I must admit, it has been some years since we had all gotten together but it was all as if I had just left yesterday. The years had melted away. Few people and friends will ever make me feel as they do. Thank you, Senor, and rest in eternal peace! Interced with God for us down here ever now and again. Continue to inspire me with your spirit joined with my grandparents in heaven.
The same 04may the senor passed away, I attended a zen meditation workshop. My first proper workshop, and like taekwondo, it's something I should have done years ago. It was a great experience and something which I have always wanted to do. There must have been some 25 or so people from all parts of UTMB. The zen master Dae Gek, lead the workshop. I have read and studied about prayer, meditation, and the benefits thereof before. It's time to put away the books and actually put into practice what I've read. The bulk of the workshop was simply about remaining still, focusing on our breathing. So simple yet I walked out relaxed as I have not been in years. The facilitators did mention that little is recalled about what is said in these workshops compared to remembering the actual experience and that is all true. I recall little of what was said but still carry that good feeling inside and about. Can't wait to go back.
My dirty little secret for this month - we do have internet, the monitor is fine, but Dana and the girls think it's down and out. Now I can finally get some internet time to myself. Let's see how long I can go before actually telling them it was just a lose pwer cord behind the monitor that was causing all the problems. Without the computer, there's actually some peace and quiet in the house. No fighting over the computer. Dana and the girls spend the bulk of their time watching tv, playing on the computer, leisure reading, and sleeping and eating and that's about it. I cleaned up the house last week, got tired of living in a pig sty the way they do. I think I'll tell them when we get back from the cruise in june.
So much more to write about, but the day is beautiful outside and I want to get out and do stuff. Won't sit in front of this computer rotting away. More to follow later.
The same 04may the senor passed away, I attended a zen meditation workshop. My first proper workshop, and like taekwondo, it's something I should have done years ago. It was a great experience and something which I have always wanted to do. There must have been some 25 or so people from all parts of UTMB. The zen master Dae Gek, lead the workshop. I have read and studied about prayer, meditation, and the benefits thereof before. It's time to put away the books and actually put into practice what I've read. The bulk of the workshop was simply about remaining still, focusing on our breathing. So simple yet I walked out relaxed as I have not been in years. The facilitators did mention that little is recalled about what is said in these workshops compared to remembering the actual experience and that is all true. I recall little of what was said but still carry that good feeling inside and about. Can't wait to go back.
My dirty little secret for this month - we do have internet, the monitor is fine, but Dana and the girls think it's down and out. Now I can finally get some internet time to myself. Let's see how long I can go before actually telling them it was just a lose pwer cord behind the monitor that was causing all the problems. Without the computer, there's actually some peace and quiet in the house. No fighting over the computer. Dana and the girls spend the bulk of their time watching tv, playing on the computer, leisure reading, and sleeping and eating and that's about it. I cleaned up the house last week, got tired of living in a pig sty the way they do. I think I'll tell them when we get back from the cruise in june.
So much more to write about, but the day is beautiful outside and I want to get out and do stuff. Won't sit in front of this computer rotting away. More to follow later.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Dad's Home
Dad moved to Rio Ranch, New Mexico some 7 or 8 years ago soon after my grandfather passed on. Now I see him every couple of years. We talk on the phone weekly. It seems he always comes out in the spring, except for one year, he came out in the fall. It also seems he always comes out each year we take a cruise. All the same it's great to see him and to meet Jeri, his girlfriend. She's good and I'm glad they are happy, glad that Dad's happy. Everyone deserves to be happy! My brother, Mark and his girlfriend are out too and it seems this is about as close a family reunion Tony Segura will ever get with his sons until the next wedding or funeral which comes up. It seems the only time my side of the family gets together are weddings and funerals. Dana, my wife and her family get together once or twice every year and every major holiday. In fact, you can find most of her immediate family at her parent's house every sunday! What's up with that? My parents would kill me if I showed up each and every sunday, holidays, and twice annual family reunions. No, better to keep it to only weddings, funerals, an occasional holiday, and a visit here and there. We still call each other almost every weekend and if something pops up. Some families get together all the time and some don't. My side is one of those which doesn't get together all the damn time. Doesn't mean we love less, only we get together a lot less than the others. Maybe we even love each other more? Can't wait to go on that cruise in June!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Spring Is In The Air
It's spring time now, the weather out is beautiful and all I want to do is NOT go to work and have a good time - but the reality is entirely opposite. Lent the kayak out to Brandt so her army buddies can enjoy themselves along with one of my bicycles. I still have my street bike and with gas prices over $3.00/gallon, I'm cycling a lot more. It's one mile to the church, bank, library,post office, and 1.5miles to the grocery store. 2 miles to my insurance guy and 5+/- miles to the walmart and taekwondo dojong. 9.5 miles to work one way so that's about the only time I use the truck. No shower at work either to freshen up after a ride as it used to be for me at Naval Hospital in San Diego. In fact I'm still cycling with the same street bike I bought in San Diego this month or so in 1988!. It's a good bicycle, we've been together a lot of years and I am unable to separate myself from it. Now to get my two older girls to cycle to and from school and to teach my youngest to cycle. If only my wife would get up off her ass and start to bicycle, but she comes up with too many excuses. Must be logging off now and get ready for work. I'm at the library on their computers because mine is down and no money for a new one or repairs. I bicycled here.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Blame It On The Weather
Maybe it's the new year, mabe it's my diet, maybe it's my marriage, maybe I'm not drinking enough water or getting enough exercise or maybe it's the weather. Nearly the end of January and I'm still trying to get my shit together. Is this a perpetual "get my shit together" thing or something?
Trying to shake this melancholiness off. Havn't put the kayak out in the water or been running or cycling or much of anything except work. At least I'm not drinking more; in fact I've been drinking a whole lot less, maybe I just need to get drunk? I don't know. No increase in my bad ahbits of smoking or drinking, just trying to be a decent husband and good father. Seems like there's a lot to do around here and I'm the only one to do it.
No help from the wife or children. Hell, it's a fight to get them to pick up there shit and just get some semblence of organization for themselves! I have to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and serve it up too! Just what the fuck is going on here?
Taekwondo is a good thing when I do get down there but it certainly isn't fun as a family. I just show up by myself and get a decent workout. Money and the lack of it is the big fight with the wife and always will be. It's almost like I have 4 children at home besides the 3 I've fathered. Is this what marriage is supposed to be like? We're like prison inmates; if we're not fighting we're fucking, if we're not fucking we're fighting. That seems to sum up my marriage in a nutshell.
Work sucks too, lots of changes around there to and I'm not all to happy with them. Not much I can do about that except to protect my liscence and roll with the punches. I might have to find my balls and get a real job and get the hell out of there. Maybe I just need to set my professional sights a little higher, but each time I try to do that I get shot down. Third time's the charm?
My girls are growing up fast, took them out yesterday to the local college parking lot so they could practice their driving. They're just about ready for the open road so watch out! Driving is a basic skill and better for me to teach them the fundamentals than their mother or someone else. Few things as scary in life like getting out on the open road as a newbie driver but you get used to it. I teach mine to always look out for the other guy. Seems to me if one looks out for the other guy, driving is a whole lot more safe. Just make sure you have your shit wired tight before you get out on the road yourself, or for anything else in life.
Anyway, have to get up off my ass and run down to the credit union before the checks I've written bounce and and have to tow the car back. It stalled out there in the parking lot yesterday. Looks like I'm not going to get much else accomplished today. Have to go to work a twelve hour shift tonight too.
Trying to shake this melancholiness off. Havn't put the kayak out in the water or been running or cycling or much of anything except work. At least I'm not drinking more; in fact I've been drinking a whole lot less, maybe I just need to get drunk? I don't know. No increase in my bad ahbits of smoking or drinking, just trying to be a decent husband and good father. Seems like there's a lot to do around here and I'm the only one to do it.
No help from the wife or children. Hell, it's a fight to get them to pick up there shit and just get some semblence of organization for themselves! I have to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and serve it up too! Just what the fuck is going on here?
Taekwondo is a good thing when I do get down there but it certainly isn't fun as a family. I just show up by myself and get a decent workout. Money and the lack of it is the big fight with the wife and always will be. It's almost like I have 4 children at home besides the 3 I've fathered. Is this what marriage is supposed to be like? We're like prison inmates; if we're not fighting we're fucking, if we're not fucking we're fighting. That seems to sum up my marriage in a nutshell.
Work sucks too, lots of changes around there to and I'm not all to happy with them. Not much I can do about that except to protect my liscence and roll with the punches. I might have to find my balls and get a real job and get the hell out of there. Maybe I just need to set my professional sights a little higher, but each time I try to do that I get shot down. Third time's the charm?
My girls are growing up fast, took them out yesterday to the local college parking lot so they could practice their driving. They're just about ready for the open road so watch out! Driving is a basic skill and better for me to teach them the fundamentals than their mother or someone else. Few things as scary in life like getting out on the open road as a newbie driver but you get used to it. I teach mine to always look out for the other guy. Seems to me if one looks out for the other guy, driving is a whole lot more safe. Just make sure you have your shit wired tight before you get out on the road yourself, or for anything else in life.
Anyway, have to get up off my ass and run down to the credit union before the checks I've written bounce and and have to tow the car back. It stalled out there in the parking lot yesterday. Looks like I'm not going to get much else accomplished today. Have to go to work a twelve hour shift tonight too.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas
Christmas day and I can't wait for tomorrow to come. I'm not the most christmasy of people, I give all the time, not just one day out of the year. I'm nothing but peace and love and joy and happiness. As far as I'm concerned, everyday is Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, and my birthday all rolled into one. Why wait for a holiday to feel good and celebrate? I feel good and celebrate everyday of the year. Guess I'm just blessed. Must be dashing off now, smell the cooking from the kitchen and such.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Finally Earned My Black Belt
Yesterday, in a private testing with our instructor, we finally earned our first degree blackbelts. It was my wife's third attempt and she was as excited as school girl on the first day of summer. I took it all more philosophically. It was my second attempt. After practicing and polishing up forms and board breaking techniques I finally got up there and screwed it all up again. I don't know what it is but every time I get up there with my wife, I fuck it up. My board breaks I did get on the first attempt this time. I think that was the main reason I no changed my first test. If I had kept it all to the schedule everyone else does I would have had my blackbelt in the late winter or early spring. Of course I'm not everyone else, I am only myself. My instructor called me up just as I was coming out the shower preparing for the test and asked me if I was ready. Ready, I don't know the meaning of the word. I do know anyone, anytime, anywhere, and I do know that no inspection ready unit is ever combat ready and no combat ready unit is ever inspection ready. I live my life by these two adages because I have personally experienced them. Ready she asks, if I were ready about anything in my life I'd have not ever progressed out of diapers or even my mother's womb. I don't know the word or probably ever will. Ready is one of those states one probably experiences on their death bed as they are just about to die. Anyway, I have my blackbelt, Dana has hers and life goes on.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Latest Happennings
Here it is the end of October almost and it has been a busy month. Dana and the girls went up for their black belt test and no changed. That's a nice way of saying they didn't make it. I went up for it last week and I no changed myself. Unlike Dana and the girls I just didn't do three forms, I opted to do all nine. I screwed up the last three of the nine and took three attempts to break the last station of the board breaks. Dana and Judith didn't break their last station. I don't remember how they did on their first attempt. This was their second black belt test and my first. Now we all go up together again the middle of next month.
Victoria fucked up her knee at the end of September. Allegedly, she was doing cartwheels on the hard tile surface at the mall. I didn't see it, I was walking in front of them when it happened. Her sister Judith isn't saying and Victoria won't fess up only saying that she felt her whole knee cap shift out of place. When I heard her crying, I thoght she was just screwing around. She stayed at home the next day and the following day we took her to the doctor. They sent her to an orthopedic specialist nad he say s the cartilage is damaged behind the knee cap. Victoria underwent a knee scope last week to remove some small slivers of loose cartilage and to have some holes drilled behind the patella to help facilitate blood flow to heal what cartilage remains. She's hobbling about on crutches now.
What pisses me off about the whole thing is that she was out fucking around doing cartwheels on a hard surface. If it had happened in taekwondo their insurance would have helped. If it had happened in volleyball, there would have at least been witnesses. Now I'm out 350 dollars and that's with the insurance. As if I had 350 to laying around. At least she's okay and that's what's important.
Victoria fucked up her knee at the end of September. Allegedly, she was doing cartwheels on the hard tile surface at the mall. I didn't see it, I was walking in front of them when it happened. Her sister Judith isn't saying and Victoria won't fess up only saying that she felt her whole knee cap shift out of place. When I heard her crying, I thoght she was just screwing around. She stayed at home the next day and the following day we took her to the doctor. They sent her to an orthopedic specialist nad he say s the cartilage is damaged behind the knee cap. Victoria underwent a knee scope last week to remove some small slivers of loose cartilage and to have some holes drilled behind the patella to help facilitate blood flow to heal what cartilage remains. She's hobbling about on crutches now.
What pisses me off about the whole thing is that she was out fucking around doing cartwheels on a hard surface. If it had happened in taekwondo their insurance would have helped. If it had happened in volleyball, there would have at least been witnesses. Now I'm out 350 dollars and that's with the insurance. As if I had 350 to laying around. At least she's okay and that's what's important.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
House Party B-B-Q
Hosted a B-B-Q yesterday, my first in 15 years or so. The last time I did this we weren't married but a couple of years and we invited my inlaws. It was a January or February and it was a cold sunny day so we were all cooped up inside. This time I did much better.
Invited a group from work and their friends and a family from the taekwondo school we're with. Actually this is a sort of summer house party series we've been doing with people from work. One of us will host the get together, every one brings something, and we sit around drinking beer, eating, shooting the shit, playing card games and scrabble and such. I invited my taekwondo instructor and some people from the taekwondo school to even out the guests. Mostly it's just people from work who show up at these things. The takwondo instructors didn't show but one of the families did and they brought this delicious bean dip and cheese/sausage sauce.
I marinaded two briskets overnight, one in italian dressing and the other in teriyaki sauce, wrapped them up in several layers of aluminum foil, threw them on the fire ring out back over some charcoal and some scrap wood and six hours later the meat was tenderly tearing up on a fork. I also boiled up a big batch of beans seasoned with onions, tomatoes, bell peppers and garlic powder and pepper and oregano and parsly. The rice came out a little sticky. Everyone raved about the food but the real star was my mothers homemade tortillas.
I had made a batch of masa the night before but my mother was not satisfied with it, I had used self rising flour. The tortillas were coming out crispy and not soft, a cardinal sin committed moments before the firsts guests were supposed to be showing up. She through me out of my own kitchen, flew out of the house bought some all purpose flour and whipped up homemade flour tortillas. They were to die for. Between the tender juicy brisket and her tortillas and cooperative weather, it was a good time had by all.
The last guests didn't leave until 2:30AM or s0. I'm not used to staying up all night like that, even though I work nights. I'm beat today and spent most of the day napping and snacking off the left overs. I drank beer and wine last night but not to excess so no wicked hangover to nurse. Sucked back a couple of coronas left over from last night and picked up the backyard. Everything back to normal.
By far the worse part was getting everything together and motivating Dana and the girls to clean up the house. Once people started showing up it all flowed smoothly. Can't wait to do it again. Next time I'll start earlier and have everyone out early so I can relax or I'll just fire up the fire pit for us here at home on a weekend. Staying up to 0300 is for the birds. I just don't do that all the time. After everyone had burned off I laid out a moment thinking in my hammock. The stars are really pretty in the early morning quiet and no more self rising flour for my tortillas.
Invited a group from work and their friends and a family from the taekwondo school we're with. Actually this is a sort of summer house party series we've been doing with people from work. One of us will host the get together, every one brings something, and we sit around drinking beer, eating, shooting the shit, playing card games and scrabble and such. I invited my taekwondo instructor and some people from the taekwondo school to even out the guests. Mostly it's just people from work who show up at these things. The takwondo instructors didn't show but one of the families did and they brought this delicious bean dip and cheese/sausage sauce.
I marinaded two briskets overnight, one in italian dressing and the other in teriyaki sauce, wrapped them up in several layers of aluminum foil, threw them on the fire ring out back over some charcoal and some scrap wood and six hours later the meat was tenderly tearing up on a fork. I also boiled up a big batch of beans seasoned with onions, tomatoes, bell peppers and garlic powder and pepper and oregano and parsly. The rice came out a little sticky. Everyone raved about the food but the real star was my mothers homemade tortillas.
I had made a batch of masa the night before but my mother was not satisfied with it, I had used self rising flour. The tortillas were coming out crispy and not soft, a cardinal sin committed moments before the firsts guests were supposed to be showing up. She through me out of my own kitchen, flew out of the house bought some all purpose flour and whipped up homemade flour tortillas. They were to die for. Between the tender juicy brisket and her tortillas and cooperative weather, it was a good time had by all.
The last guests didn't leave until 2:30AM or s0. I'm not used to staying up all night like that, even though I work nights. I'm beat today and spent most of the day napping and snacking off the left overs. I drank beer and wine last night but not to excess so no wicked hangover to nurse. Sucked back a couple of coronas left over from last night and picked up the backyard. Everything back to normal.
By far the worse part was getting everything together and motivating Dana and the girls to clean up the house. Once people started showing up it all flowed smoothly. Can't wait to do it again. Next time I'll start earlier and have everyone out early so I can relax or I'll just fire up the fire pit for us here at home on a weekend. Staying up to 0300 is for the birds. I just don't do that all the time. After everyone had burned off I laid out a moment thinking in my hammock. The stars are really pretty in the early morning quiet and no more self rising flour for my tortillas.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Back To School
Today my children returned to school. There is a quiet in the house, a peace for just a little while until, Dana, their mother returns home and pierces it with the TV or the computer. She, more than myself, is more than happy to rush them of to school this morning. It's difficult for Dana to be with her own children for more than a day and the summer vacation can be a pure hell for her.
I don't know why, but for some reason, Dana has difficulty dealing with her own children. Perhaps it's because she's a full time stay at home wife and mother or perhaps it's her own up bringing or perhaps it's that perfectly normal part of growing up in which teenage daughters naturally butt heads with their mothers? I don't know, I do know I spend a lot of time outside in my garage and I do not get to watch much TV or work on the computer or relax in my own house unless Dana and the girls are gone.
Back to school time for me is time to spend with Dana alone for a few hours. We may go to a book store or the movies or out to eat or just stay home and fuck, but it's time together and alone and it's valued. She won't get physical such as riding a bicycle or go for a run or lift weights or work out in the yard or garage and that's what I want her to do with me. Now she'll go back to her routine, drop the the girls off at school, come back and read the paper, have a cup of coffee, rot in front of the TV until she has to get them at 1430. She may get some house work done or go to the library or a bookstore; but, unless we do something together, this is her routine.
As for myself, it's life as usual. I'm used to her routine and to what she values. I'm used to her and that's what can actually be a bit scary. I can almost predict the way of her day. I get up in the morning, or the afternoon if I have to work, and I am on God's good graces. Not that Dana isn't, but it seems we each have to make our own self and our own happiness and it has to come from within. A really nice trick is to balance it all out with the ones we love. If we can, if we're able.
In other news, my brother has moved away to Jasper, Texas with his girlfriend Kaylie. She and her daughter are also starting school today. The most important men in my life are all going away it seems. My father moved out to New Mexico a year or so after my grandparents passed on, my maternal grandfather in a nursing home in Pasadena because Mary, his wife, can't care for him, and now my brother out in east Texas. Yesterday, before he left we shut off the electricity and the water and turned off the gas at the valves and now the house is truly empty.
It's a different emptiness from what I remember after my grandparents had passed 8 years ago this year. The emptiness then was more inside of me because I knew the house would be filled again by my brother. This emptiness is different, there's no one to fill it and the house actually seems dead. No life there except for my memories. It's an empty shell next door housing my brothers things and he says he'll be back in a couple of weeks or a month but I know better.
He's gone for a good long while and it's up to me to cut the grass and to keep the place until he returns. He says he'll pay his own taxes and bills and I hope and pray he does because owning your own home is important. I don't want him to lose it to the tax man or to let it go or to sell it. I hope he knows what he's doing. He even took the cat.
The cat is old, at least 12 maybe even 16, and he or she has been an outdoor fixture of the house and that property for as long as I can recall. Since before my grandparents died. When my brother would go on trips or away for more than a day or two I'd go over and feed it and check on the house and make sure that everything was ok. Now there is no reason to go over. The cat is gone, Mark is gone and I am left with an empty feeling. So I cut the grass for him and parked my truck there so it looks like someone lives there still and maybe to leave just a hint of life.
I don't know why, but for some reason, Dana has difficulty dealing with her own children. Perhaps it's because she's a full time stay at home wife and mother or perhaps it's her own up bringing or perhaps it's that perfectly normal part of growing up in which teenage daughters naturally butt heads with their mothers? I don't know, I do know I spend a lot of time outside in my garage and I do not get to watch much TV or work on the computer or relax in my own house unless Dana and the girls are gone.
Back to school time for me is time to spend with Dana alone for a few hours. We may go to a book store or the movies or out to eat or just stay home and fuck, but it's time together and alone and it's valued. She won't get physical such as riding a bicycle or go for a run or lift weights or work out in the yard or garage and that's what I want her to do with me. Now she'll go back to her routine, drop the the girls off at school, come back and read the paper, have a cup of coffee, rot in front of the TV until she has to get them at 1430. She may get some house work done or go to the library or a bookstore; but, unless we do something together, this is her routine.
As for myself, it's life as usual. I'm used to her routine and to what she values. I'm used to her and that's what can actually be a bit scary. I can almost predict the way of her day. I get up in the morning, or the afternoon if I have to work, and I am on God's good graces. Not that Dana isn't, but it seems we each have to make our own self and our own happiness and it has to come from within. A really nice trick is to balance it all out with the ones we love. If we can, if we're able.
In other news, my brother has moved away to Jasper, Texas with his girlfriend Kaylie. She and her daughter are also starting school today. The most important men in my life are all going away it seems. My father moved out to New Mexico a year or so after my grandparents passed on, my maternal grandfather in a nursing home in Pasadena because Mary, his wife, can't care for him, and now my brother out in east Texas. Yesterday, before he left we shut off the electricity and the water and turned off the gas at the valves and now the house is truly empty.
It's a different emptiness from what I remember after my grandparents had passed 8 years ago this year. The emptiness then was more inside of me because I knew the house would be filled again by my brother. This emptiness is different, there's no one to fill it and the house actually seems dead. No life there except for my memories. It's an empty shell next door housing my brothers things and he says he'll be back in a couple of weeks or a month but I know better.
He's gone for a good long while and it's up to me to cut the grass and to keep the place until he returns. He says he'll pay his own taxes and bills and I hope and pray he does because owning your own home is important. I don't want him to lose it to the tax man or to let it go or to sell it. I hope he knows what he's doing. He even took the cat.
The cat is old, at least 12 maybe even 16, and he or she has been an outdoor fixture of the house and that property for as long as I can recall. Since before my grandparents died. When my brother would go on trips or away for more than a day or two I'd go over and feed it and check on the house and make sure that everything was ok. Now there is no reason to go over. The cat is gone, Mark is gone and I am left with an empty feeling. So I cut the grass for him and parked my truck there so it looks like someone lives there still and maybe to leave just a hint of life.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
15 Years at UTMB
Today is the 21st of july and I'm home in front of my computer after working the night shift. I want to post these thoughts while they are still fresh in my mind. Yesterday, the 20th of july, marked my 15th anniversary at UTMB. Had I been asked 15 years ago where I was going to be today, I wouldn't have had an answer. Had it been suggested 15 years ago that I would remain at UTMB this long I would have laughed at the folly of the thought. My original plan was to spend 2-3 years here, get my degree and move on. After all, my father was a "30 year man" and retired from UTMB.
I remember, as I was growing up, how he would come home after a rough night or day on call. I promised myself to not ever work "for the state". I would not ever work at UTMB in any capacity.
Funny how life can turn on a dime and how easily promises to self can be broken. I was married barely a month or two when Dana told me she was expecting our first daughter. I immediately called my father and asked if he could arrange a job interview for me. My life was about to really change in a matter of just a few short months. I was to become a father myself and that meant real responsibility, a real job, health insurance, retirement, and other such job benefits. No more part time job bull shit. My world was about to end as I knew it and a new one was about to begin. Less than 2 months after my start date, Victoria was born at UTMB in Galveston.
Her sister, Judith was born november of 1993 and Stephanie was born february of 2000 there also. Consequently I have not ever separated myself from "the state" for more than a month or two since. My fate is as good as sealed and it looks like I'm to become a "30 year man" as my father. The Lord doth work in mysterious ways.
I would not ever imagine following in my father's footsteps so closely. Well not exactly so close, my father is an x-ray tech and I'm a nurse, he's been married and divorced 2 or 3 times and I'm still married to Dana. My father remained in the same building for 20 or more years and I have worked between Galveston, Texas City, and prison infirmaries all over southeast Texas.
As I type this, I'm thinking about my father and all the changes he has seen over 30 years and all the changes I have seen over the last 15 years. I'm proud and happy to say we actually were employed for 5 or so years together although in different departments and shifts. We know a lot of the same people, some of who have known me since I was a child. Many have retired as my father has and today only a few remain. We have worked with a lot of great people over the years.
It's so incredible how much we turn out like our parents no matter how hard we try to not become like them. In the end we can not escape our ultimate fates and a part of those fates is to assume some of the mantle of our parentage. Either we do it because we become parents ourselves or because we grow in wisdom or for whatever reason, some things we are unable to escape from.
I'm looking forward to the next 15 years, God willing. I drove out of the parking lot this morning thanking God for my little job and for these last 15 years and the years to come as He sees fit. It's all in His hands. I take comfort in this knowledge.
I remember, as I was growing up, how he would come home after a rough night or day on call. I promised myself to not ever work "for the state". I would not ever work at UTMB in any capacity.
Funny how life can turn on a dime and how easily promises to self can be broken. I was married barely a month or two when Dana told me she was expecting our first daughter. I immediately called my father and asked if he could arrange a job interview for me. My life was about to really change in a matter of just a few short months. I was to become a father myself and that meant real responsibility, a real job, health insurance, retirement, and other such job benefits. No more part time job bull shit. My world was about to end as I knew it and a new one was about to begin. Less than 2 months after my start date, Victoria was born at UTMB in Galveston.
Her sister, Judith was born november of 1993 and Stephanie was born february of 2000 there also. Consequently I have not ever separated myself from "the state" for more than a month or two since. My fate is as good as sealed and it looks like I'm to become a "30 year man" as my father. The Lord doth work in mysterious ways.
I would not ever imagine following in my father's footsteps so closely. Well not exactly so close, my father is an x-ray tech and I'm a nurse, he's been married and divorced 2 or 3 times and I'm still married to Dana. My father remained in the same building for 20 or more years and I have worked between Galveston, Texas City, and prison infirmaries all over southeast Texas.
As I type this, I'm thinking about my father and all the changes he has seen over 30 years and all the changes I have seen over the last 15 years. I'm proud and happy to say we actually were employed for 5 or so years together although in different departments and shifts. We know a lot of the same people, some of who have known me since I was a child. Many have retired as my father has and today only a few remain. We have worked with a lot of great people over the years.
It's so incredible how much we turn out like our parents no matter how hard we try to not become like them. In the end we can not escape our ultimate fates and a part of those fates is to assume some of the mantle of our parentage. Either we do it because we become parents ourselves or because we grow in wisdom or for whatever reason, some things we are unable to escape from.
I'm looking forward to the next 15 years, God willing. I drove out of the parking lot this morning thanking God for my little job and for these last 15 years and the years to come as He sees fit. It's all in His hands. I take comfort in this knowledge.
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