John Lennon sang " Life is what happens to you while you make other plans" in a song called "Beautiful Boy", about his son Sean. Funny how John Lennon songs are always associated with the important events of my life.
My oldest daughter, Victoria, was born 12Sep1992 and, as I carried her only minutes old to the newborn nursery it was "Imagaine" playing on the stereo. I couldn't dream a more perfect entrance for any child to come into the world and here it was me and my first-born. Victoria only minutes old, I a new father, and John Lennon music in the air.
Those are the type of memories a man doesn't forget and as I lay dying I know my final thoughts will be of the birth of my children. More to come about that subject later.
It's never forgotten to a young man when he starts to date and actively pursue the opposite sex. When this was happening to me it was Lennon's music in my car stereo. I loved his songs "Starting Over", "Woman", and "My dear Yoko" and "Watching The Wheels". I still do and get that nostalgic 17 year old in me again when I hear them. I crank up the volume and I sing along in the best voice I can bring up from deep within myself; the voice I save for church hymns and the national anthem and such. It makes me feel like a youngster again no matter what husband/father/or whatever issues are on my mind.
The "John Lennon Collection" CD is an integral part of my collection and I still have the cassette stored away somewhere. After I'm dead and gone someone will look back at my music collection and wonder about me and maybe learn something about me from my music collection left behind. Music collections, like journals and letters and books and whatever was important to us in life , are one way we learn about people after they are gone.
When my wife Dana and I were newlyweds John Lennon was played and replayed a lot, along with Ray Stevens. Maybe that was a harbringer of the the things to come later for us and our married life. The deep thoughtful Lennon and the funny happy go lucky Stevens.
I'm about to go out into my garage and hit the weight pile for a bit, get some exercise and maybe reap the benefits thereof; the music from the CD player will be Lennon and whatever else suits my fancy. During the breaks between changing exercises and changing weights, when my mind doesn't have to be focused in the dumbbell or barbell, I can be certain it will be on whatever Lennon song playing in the air and making feel more young, more here and now, and more happy.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
hurricane katrina
Have been viewing some of the tv and internet coverage of the disaster in the central gulf states. Really tears at my heart to see the devastation wrought. It could well have happened here if not for the grace of God. It could have very easily had been ourselves in such a disaster.
Gas prices up, cost of living up, everything going up except my paycheck. Received a 4% pay raise at work. This is good, it will just about cover what we're spending in gas for the car and truck. Just for once I'd like to save any percentage of a pay raise.
True we're in dire financial shit but we at least still have our home and I still have a job. I grow tired of living from paycheck to paycheck and unable to save anything. Just barely making it on my little paycheck. Wish my wife would get a part-time job to help out with the bills.
I'm tired, worked a double shift yesterday, must rest up before going to tae kwon do this evening, supposed to be testing for my orange belt.
Gas prices up, cost of living up, everything going up except my paycheck. Received a 4% pay raise at work. This is good, it will just about cover what we're spending in gas for the car and truck. Just for once I'd like to save any percentage of a pay raise.
True we're in dire financial shit but we at least still have our home and I still have a job. I grow tired of living from paycheck to paycheck and unable to save anything. Just barely making it on my little paycheck. Wish my wife would get a part-time job to help out with the bills.
I'm tired, worked a double shift yesterday, must rest up before going to tae kwon do this evening, supposed to be testing for my orange belt.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
more musings and ramblings and pondering and such
It's incredible how the people we love the most are the ones who we hurt the most or are hurt by the most. Wether we mean it or not or for whatever reason or excuses we use or hide behind. This morning I had to fight with my children, I didn't want to fight but I tire of their laziness and insolence and lack of discipline and disrepect. My daughters are 12, 11, and 5 years old. They are still just children, little girls who are growing up fast.
I expect some rebellion from my children, it's supposed to happen, but how do I teach my girls about life and living and love and all that a father is supposed to teach his daughters ? It's not easy being a father, much harder being a husband to their mother. I love my daughters and their mother feels I'm too hard on them. Nothing I do to those girls will ever be as hard or harsh or cruel as life and the world will be to them later. I can only prepare them for that. I'm not a wealthy man, not monetarily, so I can not shower them with whatever material possessions they may want. It's almost all I can do to send them to catholic school. I feel a private education is good for them. An education is priceless and it doesn't end with the classroom, it keeps on going for the rest of our lives.
My own parents were divorced when I was four years old, I have only a handful of memories of my parents together,all good memories. I saw my father on weekends and holidays. My dad was an "absentee father", I didn't grow up under his roof. He did not have to contend with his sons, not like my mother did.
My mother provided for us as best she could, a single mother always working. My mother is a strict disciplinarian as was her mother and as is still her father. We did not go without and we were not abused, but life can be abusive and my mother did prepare us for life. She prepared us as best she could, my father tried as best he could according to the examples he had.
Dad was an abused child, his father was a philanderer and beat his children and his wife, hard drinking, hard working but short on showing love to his chidren. Dad never beat on us though, never abused us, but didn't always discipline my brother and I. How could he, he didn't know how. My fathers best friend tells me " our fathers can only love us the best way they know how". How deep and insightful and enlightening when I remember my grandfather and when I think about my father. It's not that my father doesn't love me, it's just he doesn't always know how. Consequently his son, me, will have difficulties in this area also. I still have my mothers example.
My parenting style is very much like my mothers and my grandfathers, the true father figures in my life. Yes I can be hard and harsh, yes it does hurt, I'm sure it hurt my mother also. But my conscience is clear, I'm not guilty about disciplining my children, only contending with the feelings of how to go about it right and dealing with my emotions. I'm not above slapping my girls or lording over them if they will learn. It's not easy and they will not understand now or today or next week or next month, but one day with their own children or with a situation in life later on they will remember; I know they will because their father does. Their father remembers the lessons his mother taught him as his mother remembers the lessons her parents taught her. If it's done right it's an unbroken chain, an unending assembly line of love and discipline passed on from parent to child. Love is discipline and discipline is love, sometimes love hurts.
I expect some rebellion from my children, it's supposed to happen, but how do I teach my girls about life and living and love and all that a father is supposed to teach his daughters ? It's not easy being a father, much harder being a husband to their mother. I love my daughters and their mother feels I'm too hard on them. Nothing I do to those girls will ever be as hard or harsh or cruel as life and the world will be to them later. I can only prepare them for that. I'm not a wealthy man, not monetarily, so I can not shower them with whatever material possessions they may want. It's almost all I can do to send them to catholic school. I feel a private education is good for them. An education is priceless and it doesn't end with the classroom, it keeps on going for the rest of our lives.
My own parents were divorced when I was four years old, I have only a handful of memories of my parents together,all good memories. I saw my father on weekends and holidays. My dad was an "absentee father", I didn't grow up under his roof. He did not have to contend with his sons, not like my mother did.
My mother provided for us as best she could, a single mother always working. My mother is a strict disciplinarian as was her mother and as is still her father. We did not go without and we were not abused, but life can be abusive and my mother did prepare us for life. She prepared us as best she could, my father tried as best he could according to the examples he had.
Dad was an abused child, his father was a philanderer and beat his children and his wife, hard drinking, hard working but short on showing love to his chidren. Dad never beat on us though, never abused us, but didn't always discipline my brother and I. How could he, he didn't know how. My fathers best friend tells me " our fathers can only love us the best way they know how". How deep and insightful and enlightening when I remember my grandfather and when I think about my father. It's not that my father doesn't love me, it's just he doesn't always know how. Consequently his son, me, will have difficulties in this area also. I still have my mothers example.
My parenting style is very much like my mothers and my grandfathers, the true father figures in my life. Yes I can be hard and harsh, yes it does hurt, I'm sure it hurt my mother also. But my conscience is clear, I'm not guilty about disciplining my children, only contending with the feelings of how to go about it right and dealing with my emotions. I'm not above slapping my girls or lording over them if they will learn. It's not easy and they will not understand now or today or next week or next month, but one day with their own children or with a situation in life later on they will remember; I know they will because their father does. Their father remembers the lessons his mother taught him as his mother remembers the lessons her parents taught her. If it's done right it's an unbroken chain, an unending assembly line of love and discipline passed on from parent to child. Love is discipline and discipline is love, sometimes love hurts.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
my very first blog
This is my very first blog and, like losing ones viginity, it's a little awkward at first, but I'll get used to it. It's amazing what you can get used to in life. I'm new to computers and am learning. Until recently, my computer skills were limited to cruising the internet, emailing, listening to cds or watching dvds, real kids stuff. My daughters know more about computers and how to really use them than I do. The thought can be a little scary when one considers what's available on the internet. I don't even know how to type, just hunt and peck.
Anyway, more to follow later. Must be dashing off now to pay bills, do shit around the house and such. Spending too much time in front of a computer can rot the brain.
Anyway, more to follow later. Must be dashing off now to pay bills, do shit around the house and such. Spending too much time in front of a computer can rot the brain.
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